


True Lies - Torchwood Style

by AwatereJones



Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Action, Comedy, M/M, Spy - Freeform, silly movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:07:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 30,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3962143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, I've done it again. Gone a little bit lala. </p><p>One of the silliest movies in my library, had to be done. Action/Comedy </p><p>For those of you who haven't seen the movie, a spy who has lied to his partner for their entire 16 year relationship about his job is about to have it all crashing down when the two worlds collide. </p><p>No apologies ... you know I'm nuts, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. intro

A driveway is filled with cars. A formal evening party is in progress... a private reception for a foreign dignitary. Tuxedo wearing men escort their diamond draped ladies through the huge front doors, where they remove their coats and are scanned with hand-held detectors by white gloved security.

The walled wall around the house runs along the lake. There is an opening, to a canal, which connects to the boat docks inside. There is a steel grating across the opening, disappearing down into the thin ice of winter.

A person in diving gear was working at the metal bars with an oxygen arc cutting torch. One bar has already been cut out. Two quick cuts and a second bar falls to bottom and mud billows around the hovering figure. The man slips through the bars and swims silently along the stone canal wall like a black shadow moving against the frosted ice above.

The boat dock extends into the frozen canal, wrapping around a boathouse. There is a quiet chipping. The ice breaks and the pieces are slid back. A head appears, in a wetsuit hood. The Diver slips the breathing regulator out of his mouth and turns slowly, scanning... revealing: Ianto Harkness-Jones. Our hero. Ianto floats with his upper head above the surface so only his eyes are visible as a guard passes above.

After waiting a few moments Ianto slips out of his tank, letting it and his fins sink, and climbs the ladder onto the dock. Opening a snap lock bag, he pulls out a walkie-talkie.

"Honey, I'm home." Ianto purred down the wire.

Ianto's back-up, Toshiko Sato, answers via the headset. "Roger that."

"Hey, Owen! Get your arse in here, Ianto's inside." She shouted with a hand covering the mike.

Outside the van, Owen Harper, a snarky brit, finishes making yellow circles in the snow and hurries back to the van. They are parked on a mountain road a half-mile from the house, and the lights can be seen through the trees.

Owen jumps in and goes to a huge telephoto night-vision scope. The green image jumps about as he sweeps the grounds, locating the boathouse.

"Were you born in a barn?" Tosh growled as she recognised the cold air hadn't stopped and the door was still partially open.

"Whorehouse!" Owen grinned as he reached back to slam it shut.

Hidden in the shadows, Ianto is removing of his wetsuit. Underneath it he is wearing black tux pants, suspenders, cummerbund and a formal shirt. He puts an earpiece deep in his ear canal.

"Switching to sub-vocal. Tosh, check-check?" Ianto's low voice was a growl.

"It's Talk Radio. You're on the air." Tosh confirmed.

Ianto slips into his shoulder harness... holster on one side, holding his Glock-22, and the transmitter pack on the other. He slips on a formal jacket, hiding it all.

"The guard nearest you in moving away" Owen matters, "Go. Now!"

Ianto adjusts his bow-tie and strides confidently out of the shadows, crossing quickly to the house. He looks lush in his black tux with the white silk cummerbund and his hair wet. He enters the main house through a back service entrance.

Ianto stomps through the huge kitchen like he owns the place. The kitchen staff are scurrying around, too busy to notice. Ianto tastes a dish with his finger as he passes.

"This needs more garlic." He declared in perfect French.

He wandered through unchallenged, exiting into the party which is in full swing. Ianto blends smoothly into the crowd of dignitaries, businessman and minor nobility.

Ianto smiles politely as he strolls amiably among the glittering women and men, casually snagging a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. He nods to someone as if he knows them. Greets another is fluent Arabic. People Ianto moves through the crowd. Scanning it.

"There's Daddy" the host of the party and owner of the chateau is fat and animated, greeting guests.

Ianto makes his way up the grand staircase to the second floor then slips through some doors into the private area of the mansion.

Doors open and Ianto slips into a large darkened library then moves to a window and opens it onto a terrace.

Ianto slinks onto the terrace, and in a display of acrobatic ability, he pulls himself up onto the third floor letting himself into an office that is ornately furnished. Beautiful antiques shine in the moonlight. Ianto crosses to a huge desk and turns on the computer there. Lit from the glow of the screen, he pulls a piece of tech, from the back of his cummerbund. He connects it quickly to the modem port in the back of the computer.

"Modem in place. Transmitting...now." Ianto murmured then he pushed a button and a green light come on.

Tosh and Owen watch as their monitor screen lights with a data streaming from the private computer.

"Affirmative. We are in." Tosh is a computer ace. Her fingers fly on the keyboard as she types rapid key commands. We see words that are all in Alien characters.

"These are encrypted files, guys. This is going to take me a few minutes." Tosh said determinedly.

The library door opens a crack and a dental mirror comes out, looking around like a periscope. Seeing the coast is clear Ianto slips out. But just as he is closing the door, a member of security rounds the corner. Ianto smiles sheepishly and moves toward the guard.

"Where's the john around here? I have to take a major pee." Ianto says in perfect Lecturinian.

The man points warily down the corridor. Ianto nods and heads that way, back toward the party.

Ianto comes down the staircase and back into the glitter of the party.

He is sipping champagne and looking bored. He sees two members of security moving purposefully through the crowd toward the stairs with walkie-talkies in their hands. He turns away as they pass him and pretends to study a large fragment of bas-relief... a painting depicting a war chariot drawn by four horses.

He feels someone next to him and turns. It is a woman who is captivatingly beautiful, and her gaze is fixed on him.

"Magnificent, isn't it?" Ianto says pointing at the painting.

"Yes. Hi, I'm Gwen Cooper. I thought I knew most of John's friends but I don't believe I know you."

Ianto offers his hand to her. "Harper. Ianto Harper."

"Oi! We didn't agree to that bloody name!" Owen sniped, "That's mine."

Tosh turns to the screen displaying the mission database. She searches quickly for Cooper. "Cooper, cooper. Come on..."

Tosh finds the entry she's looking for as Gwen's picture and data appear on the screen.

"Gwen Cooper. Art and antiquities dealer, specializing in alien artefacts." Tosh informed Ianto over the link.

Ianto turns back to the picture "This is Perstelasian, if I'm not mistaken."

"Very good. Its sixth planet from the Delarcot System. Do you like it?" Gwen gushes.

"I adore it." Ianto sighed.

Owen watched from the scope, and saw one of the guards shining his light on the hole in the ice and then on Ianto's footprints leading to the boathouse. He calls to one of the other guards, who comes running over.

Ianto, still with Gwen, hears Tosh in his ear "Ianto, we got a problem. Guards are swarming all over the dock."

Ianto looks up the stair and sees the security man is gesturing to several of his men, and speaking quickly into a comms device. Three men come down the stairs, scanning the crowd. Ianto turns smoothly away from them and takes Gwen's arm.

"Do you dance, Ms. Cooper?" Ianto purrs as he steers her toward the dance floor.

Tosh, listening, rolls her eyes. Owen looks through the scope again. Guards are running around outside the house.

"Shit, Ianto's stirred up the hornet's nest." Owen mutters as Tosh is still working furiously at the keyboard.

"Okay, files are unlocked. I'm in. I'm down, baby. Whoo, Napsar got nothing on me boy!" she crowed.

"Just copy the goddamn files!" Owen snarls, then barks into the mic "Ianto, don't be stopping to smell the roses, now. You hear me,

Ianto?"

Ianto whirls Gwen aggressively across the dancefloor. She responds deftly. They are well matched. She counters each of his smooth moves with a flourish. It is a contest of wills, and a surprised assessment for each that the other is worthy. Gwen is hot. He bends her back at the waist, then snaps her up. She whirls into the crook of his arm. Their faces are inches apart. Wow. The music ends and she gives him a dry grin.

"Well. And I thought this was going to be just another bunch of boring billionaires and collectors." She panted.

"Ianto, seconds count, buddy. Ditch the bitch, let's go." Owen barked in his ear.

"Unfortunately, Gwen, I have a plane to catch." Ianto smiles charmingly.

She slips a card out of a pocket in her otherwise sheer dress. She hands it to him, maintaining eye contact. Serious heat between them.

"Call me, if you'd like to see some of my other pieces." Gwen purrs seductively.

"I'd like that." Ianto whispered in her ear.

Owen can't believe this conversation he can hear. "Son of a bitch is with her two minutes and she's ready to bear his children"

Tosh makes a noncommittal noise.

"What's your exit strategy Twinkle Toes?" Owen demands.

Ianto nods to the security men at the door as he strides through. He goes down the steps to the broad terrace above the car park. Behind Ianto, a guard lowers his comms device and starts after him.

"May I see your invitation, sir?" the man said in a flat voice.

Without turning, Ianto slips a small flat box out of his breast pocket. A Remote.

"Here's my invitation." He pushes the button and BOOM! The second floor windows blow out in a fiery explosion. Using the diversion, Ianto leaps off the terrace before the guard can open fire.

Owen sees the rising fireball a half-mile away. He starts the van.

"Aw, shit. Here we go"


	2. Honey I'm home

Chap 2

Ianto sprints across the snow-covered lawn, onto the trees. Guards with pulse weapons run after him, firing. The snow explodes around him with hits.

Two Doberman sized rats pelt toward Ianto, leaping at him in perfect unison. He waits... and knocks their heads together in mid-leap with a crack like a gun-shot. The beasts drop to the snow, wobbling around like they're drunk.

As Ianto sprints on, another dober-rat lunges out of the bushes ahead, leaping directly for his throat. Ianto grabs the rat-dog and swings him up into a tree without breaking stride. The beast yelps and scrambles to hold onto an icy branch, looking down in astonishment.

Ianto leaps down on the outside of the wall, hitting a snow bank and sliding downhill. He runs down the gentle slope toward the highway.

Ianto looks back as two security men come out of a guard station beside the main entrance. They have lost Ianto. They stop. A snowbank behind them bursts as Ianto leaps out. He takes care of them both with vicious ninja moves. Ianto looks up as a gate opens in the perimeter wall and a team of men in white snow-suits pour out, some on skis, some on hover-bikes. A chopper rises over the wall in a blast of snow. Its search lights rake through the trees, casting vivid swinging shadows on the snow.

Ianto, snapped closed the ski boots he has stolen from one of the disabled guards. He pops the boots quickly into the bindings and takes off downhill with one of the guard's rifles slung across his back.

The helicopter dives downhill, its searchlight blazing through the forest. Snowmobile headlights irradiate the patrols zig-zagging among the trees.

Ianto skis expertly downhill. He cuts a distinguished figure in his black tux. Pulse weapons fire rips through the trees from behind him. Ianto is motoring. The search light hits him. An auto-pulse gun in the chopper rips the slope into white clouds around him. Ianto slashes, turns, weaving among the trees at incredible speed. A snowmobile is closing in, trapping him. He turns toward it, suddenly. Uses the air to slash his skis right across the rider's face. The snowmobile crashes and tumbles into the night.

Owen's van takes an icy turn in a daring fast n' furious style drifting slide.

Owen is peering upslope, trying to see what's going on. All he can see are lights and gunfire. "Ianto, what's your twenty? I need a position, buddy"

Suddenly a skier in a black tux launches across the road from the slope above, and lands deftly downslope.

"Uh... right! I'll catch you on the next bend." Owen sighs.

Behind the van, goons leap across the road. Only about half can make the jump. The rest crash horribly. The helicopter rumbles overhead.

Ianto sees the chopper start to turn to attack. He comes out into the open, going straight downhill like a missile. The chopper gets suckered in… dropping right down behind him... and suddenly- Ianto slides to a stop in an explosion of snow and raises the rifle. Rat-a-tat-tat! He sends a burst across the windshield. The pilot swerves and- Suddenly two tall trees are right in front of him.

The rotor blade snaps off and the chopper descents into the snow, ploughing into a snowbank. It slides right to the edge of a steep ridge and stops, rocking back and forth.

Firing from a snowmobile, one of the guards puts a flurry across Ianto's path. Ianto's skis disintegrate and he tumbles, recovers and is running down the hill like a well-dressed yeti in his heavy boots. He has lost the rifle somewhere in the snow as he fell.

Ianto takes cover behind the burning wreck of the chopper, which still has its engine running. The ski patrol opens fire from up the slope. Rounds whacking against the immobilised helicopter.

Ianto looks down the slope and gets an idea. He jerks the pilot's body out and pushes on the fuselage, rocking it. It slips over the edge. He leaps inside as it topples forward and slides down the slope.

Ianto adds throttle and works the pedals, using the tail-rotor to steer. The chopper had snow-skids, and Ianto is sliding it down the mountain.

The copter is burning as it rockets down the slope on its skids like huge skis. Bullets are hitting the fuselage. Skiing attackers are wiping out, hitting trees. A snowmobile hits a rock and flies dramatically into a ravine.

"Ianto! Where are you?" Owen screams through the earpiece.

"In the helicopter." Ianto calmly replies.

Owen slides the van around a corner as he repeats to Tosh with incredulity, "He's in the helicopter."

Owen is scanning above them for the chopper. Then up the slope he sees the burning hulk skiing expertly among the trees.

The chopper hits a jump and launches into the air- It crashes through trees, still soaring and—Owen looks up, shouting as- The chopper drops right toward him- He hits the brakes and- Crash! It drops onto the road in front of the skidding van... then slides over the edge and tumbles into a rocky gulley where ii blows up. The flash lights up the valley.

Owen and Tosh jump out of the van. They look down at the burning wreckage.

"Ianto!" Tosh screams as Owen swears and looks down with shock.

"Yes?"

Owen and Tosh spin to look behind them. Ianto is brushing snow off his suit, and stomps toward the van in his ski-boots. He is completely composed.

"Let's go. We can still make our flight." Ianto barks over his shoulder.

As Owen is climbing into the van behind Ianto, two crews of security roar around the bend behind them, sliding on the ice. Owen opens fire. One snowmobile swerves over the bank. The other pulls up broadside, and the guards drop behind it. Owen floors it and the van roars down the mountain. Owen is still firing like he's Arnie Schwarzenegger on full-auto.

"This is Awesome! I never get to shoot!" Owen yells excitedly.

**.**

**.**

**.**

An American Airlines 747 touches down as they land back home.

A car pulls to the curb in a neighbourhood of modest middle-income homes. The street is deserted. It is the middle of the night. Owen is at the wheel, dropping Ianto home.

Ianto is emptying his pockets... passport, business cards etc. all documents under his name "Harper". He checks that his pants and jacket pockets and empty. Owen fastidiously puts the items into a plastic zip-lock.

"Empty. Go." Ianto barks.

Owen starts handing him items from a briefcase. This feels like a well-rehearsed ritual between them.

"Ianto Harkness-Jones wallet. Ianto Harkness-Jones passport. Plane ticket stub, hotel receipt, Ianto Harkness-Jones. Two postcards of Lake Geneva. House keys. Souvenir snowing Swiss village." Owen mutters as he hands over each item.

Owen demonstrates how it snows when you shake it up and turn it over.

"What's this for?" Ianto frowns.

"For Janet, twat. Bring your kid something. You know. The dad thing." Owen rolls his eyes.

"Got it. Nice touch. Okay, pick me up at eight. De-brief is at ten hundred." Ianto orders as he goes to exit the vehicle.

"Hey, hey, hey... what are we forgetting?" Owen snipes.

Owen holds up Ianto's gold wedding band. Ianto puts it on. "What a team. See you at eight."

"Yep. Sleep fast." Owen shouts as he pulls away.

Ianto slips inside the house. He sets down his suitcase and walks softly down the hall. He pauses at a door with gaudy labels and stickers plastered all over it.

Ianto silently opens the door and looks in at his sleeping daughter, Janet. She looks like an angel in the moonlight coming in the window. In fact, she is a typical 14 year old girl, and therefore hardly an angel. But to Ianto she is perfect.

Ianto, undresses, slips into bed next to... a lump in the blankets. He kisses an exposed cheek as the lump moves. He gets a sleepy kiss.

"Hi, honey. How was the flight?" a deep rumble asks.

"Fine, Cariad. Stay asleep."

"Okay." Comes the sleepy reply.

Ianto puts his head on the pillow and stares at the ceiling.


	3. Welcome to Torchwood

The next morning Janet is reaching for the gift Ianto just gave her in her room, which is a teenage room of chaos.

Ianto kisses her on the cheek, which she accepts. He looks at his watch and heads for the door.

"Hey, thanks Tad. I never had one of these."

"You better hurry. You're going to be late for school." Ianto drones as he shut the door behind him.

Ianto hurries out and Janet stares at the Snowball for a moment.

"Really lame."

She plonks it straight in the wastebasket.

.

.

.

Ianto strides down the hall, avoiding their small ugly dog, Myfanwy, who scuttles past him going the other way.

"Janet, don't forget to feed Myfanwy!" he yells into the house at large.

Ianto crosses the bedroom, hurrying past Jack who is rushing to get ready himself. We get our first good look at Jack. He is wearing a terrycloth robe as he picks out an outfit. His hair is wrapped in a towel. To call him handsome would be a gross understatement. He would be attractive even if he didn't put any effort into it, which doesn't even occur to him.

"I'm late." Ianto toned.

"Me too." Jack smiled.

They talk without looking at each other, the way people who have been together forever do.

"How'd it go at the trade show? You make all the other salesmen jealous?" Jack asked as he pulled out a blue button down shirt and regarded it.

"Yeah. You should have seen it." Ianto enthused as he pulled the shirt from Jack's hand and replaced with a seemingly identical one. "We were the hit of the show with the new model ordering system, the one for the 680... How you can write up an order and the second the customer's name goes into the computer, it starts checking their credit, and if they've ordered anything in the past, and if they get a discount..."

Jack is already tuning him out. As he looks as the new shirt provided then begins to put it on. "That's fabulous Yan."

"Yeah, it was wild." Ianto sighed dreamily and smiled as he glances at him, while brushing his teeth. He smiles and shakes his head. The best lies are the ones told with enthusiasm.

.

.

.

Owen opens the door, knocks a bit, and then strolls in like he lives there. Myfanwy runs toward him, yapping, but Owen glares her off.

"Come any closer I'll kill you." He growls.

The dog backs up, whining sadly. Owen throws his jacket over the back of the couch and then, curiously, he takes out a pack of cigarettes and sets it on the mantelpiece. He adjusts its position carefully.

.

.

.

Ianto and Jack manoeuvre around each other expertly. Jack is doing his hair.

"The plumber came yesterday. He said they have to dig under the slab or something and it's going to be six hundred dollars to fix." Jack says as he watches Ianto tying his shoes.

Ianto is not really paying attention as he turns and ties his tie in front of the mirror. His mind is elsewhere. He couldn't care less. "Uh huh. Okay."

"It's not okay. It's extortion." Jack snorted.

"What did you tell him?" Ianto shot his cuffs.

"I slept with him and he knocked off a hundred bucks." Jack drawled as he watched his husband frown at a mark on his shoe.

"Good thinking, Cariad." Ianto muttered as he rubbed his shoe. He kisses Jack on the cheek and leaves.

Jack stares after him with slumped shoulders.

.

.

.

Owen enters and pours two cups of coffee. Janet is drinking orange juice from the bottle at the fridge.

"Hi, kiddo." He says in greeting.

"Hi, Owen. What up?" she retorts as she leaves eating a piece of toast. Ianto comes in a moment later and Owen hands him his coffee.

"Thanks dear." Ianto deadpans before taking a sip then grimacing.

"Here, check these out." Owen hands Ianto the glasses. Ianto examines them, seeing the video playing inside the left lens of the glasses. Ianto glances down the hall, making sure no-one is looking, then he puts them on.

A black and white video image of his own living room is being seen by Ianto in the glasses.

"The CCD camera and transmitter and inside a pack of smokes. Slick little unit, huh?" Owen chortles as Ianto frowns in the glasses.

Ianto watches as Janet enters the living room. She looks around carefully, then quickly picks up Owen's jacket and slips out his wallet. She palms two twenties in the blink of an eye and puts the wallet back.

"Son of a bitch!" Ianto exclaimed.

"What?" Owen frowns at Ianto as he removes the glasses and storms out of the kitchen. Owen goes after him as he called back to him "She's stealing from you."

Janet comes out the front door, letting it slam behind her, and runs to her boyfriend, Andy, who is waiting for her in the driveway on his idling motorbike. Andy is 16, dressed in Goth style, trying to look tough. Ianto comes out the front door as Andy revs the motor.

"Janet!" Ianto yells as they get away and she waves from the back of the bike as Andy pops the clutch and they shoot down the driveway.

"Can't stop, I'm late. Bye, Tad!"

.

.

.

They are driving through Cardiff, Ianto is still shocked by his daughter's behaviour.

"Kids. Ten seconds of joy. Thirty years of misery." Owen sighed.

"She knows not to steal. I've taught her better than that." Ianto frowned.

"Yeah, but you're not her parents, anymore, you and Jack. Her parents are Jay-z and Lady Gaga. The five minutes you spend a day with her can't compete with that kind of constant bombardment. You're outgunned, buddy." Owen commiserated.

Ianto and Owen come out of an elevator on the 12th floor. *

Behind the receptionist is a burnished metal sign, which reads TORCHWOOD SYSTEMS. They cross an open floor of cubicle spaces. There is the hum of activity everywhere. A normal day at a normal place.

"Morning, Mr. Harkness Jones." The receptionist said politely.

"Morning, Clara." Ianto nodded politely back as they walk through the foyer.

"See, kids now are ten years ahead of where we were at the same age.

You probably think she's still a virgin" Owen snorts.

"Don't be ridiculous. She's only -how old is she?" Ianto pauses.

"Fourteen, Ianto." Owen frowns and they resume their walk.

"Right. She's only fourteen." Ianto says as they go into a corridor.

"Uh huh. And her little hormones are going like a fire alarm. Say even money that physio on the bike is bonkin' her." Owen said gleefully.

"No way. Not Janet." Ianto said with growing horror at the thought.

They stop at a door, like any other along the corridor. It is unmarked.

"Okay. Okay. De-nial ain't just a river in Egypt. She's probably stealing the money to pay for an abortion." Owen says evilly watching Ianto's face for a reaction.

"Will you just open the door?" Ianto says un-ruffled.

Owen touches a plastic card to an unmarked spot just above the doorknob. There is the sound of an electronic lock dis-engaging as Owen grins. "Or drugs."

They enter a long corridor, which is unremarkable except for video surveillance cameras. They walk along the silence for a moment.

"Twenty here, fifty there... I figured my wife's boyfriend was taking it." Owen shrugged.

"I thought you moved out." Ianto frowned at Owen as they walked.

"Well. . . I moved back in. My lawyer said it would give me a better claim on the house in the property settlement. Don't change the subject... you owe me two hundred bucks spy-boy." Owen struts beside him.

They approach another door, with a glass partition in it. Beyond is a brightly lit room, with a woman sitting at a desk... and nothing else. Owen presses a buzzer.

Mary sits at the non-descript desk like a receptionist... but she is a highly trained security specialist. She is also petite but deadly and utterly humourless. She watches them on a monitor screen as they stand outside the door. Ianto and Owen appear as living X-Ray images. Their weapons are visible in their shoulder harnesses. Mary puts one hand automatically on the butt of a .45 tucked in a holster under her desk. She buzzes Ianto and Owen in with the other.

"Gentlemen, please identify yourselves to the scanner." She requested.

Ianto and Owen step up to the combination retinal-thumbprint-voice scanners. Ianto presses his thumb against a black-glass plate for laser scan, and looks into the eyepiece of the retinal scanner.

"Ianto Harkness-Jones. One zero zero two four Zero Zero Seven."

"Owen Clarence Harper. Three four nine nine one Zero Eight Zero Four." Owen said glaring at Ianto as he snorted, like he always snorted when the middle name was spoken.

Their clearance appears on a monitor on Mary's desk. "Thank you. You are cleared."

She stands to give them plastic I.D. Badges which they hang around their necks.

"Mary, how many years have you been buzzing us in?" Owen asked.

"Ten, Mr. Harper."

"And you still reach for your piece every time." Owen shook his head.

"Yes sir."

"God! You have no idea how much that turns me on. I've never had the courage to say this before but... I love you, Mary." Owen clasped his hands together.

"Yes, sir."

He kisses her on the cheek as he goes by. She does not react is any apparent way.

Ianto mouths an apology as they pass and she smiles softly once they are gone.

They pass through a round heavy metal door, which grinds sideways automatically. Beyond is a kind of airlock. Behind a shield are two guards armed with MP5s. They nod but do not speak as Ianto and Owen pass them.

"You better watch it. She might file on you for sexual harassment. That's harassment that is" Ianto's welsh vowels sent a shiver down Owen's spine. _Sexy bastard._

"In her dreams." Owen scoffs as he begins to swagger.

Ianto and Owen pass through the inner door into a large ascetic atrium.

As they cross a huge graphic logo covers the floor they are walking on. Across the centre a single word says TORCHWOOD. In smaller print, around the perimeter, is the motto: "21st Century is when it all changes, we have to be ready **".**

Welcome to Torchwood.


	4. Poodle-screw?

They enter a high-tech office space. It is a wise open central floor-space of without cubicles around the workstations scattered about. There is a hushed quality here. People do not joke. They do not hurry. There are a lot of computer screens displaying information from around the world. It looks like a combination of NASA mission control and FBI headquarters.

Tosh greets them, yawning, as they pass her workspace.

"Come on, Toshiko. We're late for our butt-grinding." Owen snarks.

Tosh gulps her coffee and hurries after them.

A dark and very posh conference room, with large-screen computer displays at one end. Glowering at one end of the long, polished table, is Suzie Costello, the chief of Torchwood. "Jesus, Ianto! You guys really screwed the poodle last night. Please tell me how I can look at this, that it's not a total poodle-screw."

"Total is a strong word" Ianto hedged.

"There are degrees of totality." Owen said nodding.

"It's a scale really, with "perfect mission" on one end and "total poodle-screw" on the other and we're more about here" Tosh indicated with her hands.

"Sato. You're new on Ianto's team, aren't you?"

"Yes." Tosh replied.

"So what makes you think that the slack I cut him in any way converts to you?!" Suzie barked.

Sorry, sir. Uh... Ma'am. Here's what we got." Tosh tapped her PDA.

She hits a button and a photo of John Hart fills a wall-screen.

"John Hart. We think he's dirty so we raid his financial files... Check it out..." Tosh hits some buttons and a second screen lights up with the data for their raid. "One hundred million in wire transfers from the commerce bank"

"Which we all know is a front for certain nations to fund terrorist activities and Alien hunters. Something big is going down" Tosh continued to hold the floor "And we know that a week ago four Sontarian warheads were smuggled out of the former Republic of Kazakhstan."

"We think Hart's group has bought the alien nukes and is bringing them to Sol.3 soil." Owen finished for her.

"So far this is not blowing my skirt up, gentleman. Do you have anything remotely substantial?" Suzie leaned back "Don't be pumping haggis up my ass here. Do you have hard data?"

"Not what you'd call rock hard." Ianto admitted.

"It's pretty limp, actually." Owen shrugged.

"Then perhaps you better get some before somebody parks a car in front of the Palace with an alien nuclear weapon in the trunk!" Suzie demanded.

.

.

.

.

.

Inside a huge law office Jack works as a paralegal. He is going to the break room for coffee with his friend, Alice, a secretary. Alice is younger then Jack, and still single.

"I mean, it's not like he's saving the world or anything. He's a sales rep for Christ sakes. Whenever I can't get to sleep I ask him to tell me about his day. Six seconds and I'm out. But he acts like he's curing cancer or something." Jack moaned.

"So I guess you didn't get away for the weekend after all?" Alice sighed.

"Are you kidding? Ianto had to go out of town." Jack snorted.

"I'm shocked." Alice commiserated.

"Yeah. You know Ianto." Jack sniffed.

"So... yo... sista from another Motha! Did you do anything interesting?" Jack nudged her with his shoulder.

"Oh... Hamish and I drove up to this little romantic inn, and pretty much lapped champagne out of each other's navels for two days." Alice sighed dreamily.

"You bitch." Jack gasped with lock horror.

"Girlfriend, you got a man. You just have to take control set up the right mood." Alice laughed.

"Ianto only has two moods: busy and asleep." Jack moaned.

"Then you better do something to jumpstart that man's motor. You know... wake up the sleeping giant of his passion." Alice declares.

They both crack up at that thought.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ianto meets up with Owen and Tosh coming from the Analysis Department.

"What 'ya got?" he demands of them.

"Here, check this out" Tosh hands him a printout as they wander the long underground facility.

"It's a two million dollar disbursement from Hart to Gwen Cooper." Owen declares and Ianto raises one eyebrow, "Uh huh. The babe at the party."

"It doesn't mean anything. She buys tat for Hart." Ianto reasoned as he scanned the paper.

"Nope. The art buys are in a separate ledger." Tosh points out.

"And this is a little above market-rate for the horizontal bop, even for a total babe like her." Owen scoffed.

"Alright, I want a complete workup on her. Do we know where she is?" Ianto asked his teammates.

"Uh huh. Right here in river city." Tosh retorted.

"You're kidding." Ianto stopped dead and stared at her.

"She lives in Rome, but she does stuff here at the Smithsonian and has a lot of diplomatic connections, so she has offices here." Owen says as he starts exaggeratedly tangoing with Tosh. "Sounds like a job for a specialist."

"Twats" Ianto sighs.

.

.

.

.

Ianto opens the microwave as his dinner finishes re-heating in his home's immaculate kitchen. He sits down alone at the kitchen table and pulls the cling-wrap off the plate. Another solo supper two hours late. His motions are automatic in what has become a normal late meal. Jack comes in from the living room, holding the suspense novel he is reading.

"I need you to talk to Janet. The vice principle called and she cut class again this afternoon." Jack said as he reached for a drinking glass.

"I'll handle it." Ianto nods and picks up his pork-chop and goes out the back door.

A basketball hoop is bolted to the garage and Janet is shooting baskets in the driveway. Moths circle the outside floodlights. She sinks one, dribbles back to the foul line. Ianto comes up behind her and lifts the ball out of her hands as she stands poised to shoot. She turns.

"Janet, Mr. Hardy called. Why weren't you in class today?" he frowns.

"He lies! I was there! I was in the nurse's office, cause I had a headache." She pouted looking just like Jack.

"You seem fine now." Ianto pointed out.

"Great! You're going to believe that fat dweeb Mr. Hardy over your own daughter." She stamped her foot.

"I'm not sure what to believe anymore, young lady. You never used to lie to me. But lately you don't seem to know the difference between right and wrong." Ianto sighs as Janet studies something really mesmerising at the end of a fingernail.

"Janet, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, Tad." She rolls her eyes.

"You know you can always talk to me. Right? Whatever is going on in your life, you're Dad and I'll understand." Ianto tried to hug her.

"Okay, Tad."

"You'd tell me if there was something wrong, wouldn't you, pumpkin?" Ianto said quietly.

"I'm not a pumpkin! Okay?! Do I look even remotely like a pumpkin?! I'm not a muffin, or a cupcake or a honey-bear either! And you don't understand anything Tad" Janet turns and runs into the house.

Ianto is unable to comprehend the mind of a 14-year-old. She gets more like Jack every day, as a child she resembled more of his side of the family thanks to Rhiannon being both egg donor and surrogate but now more than ever Jack's sperm was proving dominant again. He looks up to see Jack at the backdoor.

"I'll handle it" Jack parodied Ianto's voice before slamming the door.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Owen is at the wheel of a black limo in a chauffeur's uniform. He talks to Ianto, riding in the back, without turning. "It's all set up... ghost phones and e-mail, all the usual stuff. You have a suite at the Marquis Hotel under Harper. Okay, reality check. Go."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Hi, I'm Ianto Harper. I own a corporate art consulting company in San Francisco. I have an appointment with Ms. Cooper" Ianto extended his business card to the receptionist as Gwen breezes into the lobby of the gallery from a corridor. She is dressed sharply and looks as stunning as Ianto remembers.

"Ianto! I thought I might see you again. I just didn't except you to call so soon." Gwen lingers a second or so long on the handshake.

"Well, what's the point of waiting?" Ianto smiles.

"I agree." Gwen grins widely showing the gap in her teeth Ianto had noticed the other night.

She indicates for Ianto to walk with her and leads him through the suite of offices. There are mounted fragments of ancient sculpture in niches on both side, and beautifully restored montages and tablets of Alien hieroglyphics decorate the walls.

"So your clients want something for the lobby of their new corporate headquarters?" she asked.

"That's right. They want something dramatic. I spoke to a number of people who said you're the one to see." Ianto smiled back.

Gwen leads Ianto through a door into a large warehouse area. There is a bustle of activity as workmen unpack crates. An overhead crane is used to move huge stone pieces. There are massive pillars, and statues two stories high. Even the entire facade of an alien tomb.

"So what did these... people...say about me exactly?" she asked with her hand on his arm.

They stroll amongst the statues, as workmen move around them with tools, scaffolding, and air equipment. Most of the workers are alien.

"Let's see... that you can read ancient Sontarian without having to sound out the words. And that other dealers don't like you much." Ianto droned.

"Those pussys. It's because I use my diplomatic contacts to export cultural treasures from countries and planets which tell them to take a hike." Gwen snorts then turns and yells at the workmen in Sontarian, "I told you to move those crates an hour ago. Come on guys, let's get going."

A worker is watching them intently from nearby. He is an intense looking man in his late thirties.

"You see, a lot of these pieces are from ancient Persialia. Unfortunately, ancient Persialia is twenty feet under the sand of perterandia and knorwatt. Not the most popular planet lately. So I've had to become an expert in intergalactic diplomacy." Gwen stops and looks at Ianto. Her smile indicates the possibility of more than just business.

"Well, do you see anything you like, Mr. Harper?"

,

,

,

,

,

Ianto, Owen and Tosh are in a luxury suite at the Marquis Hotel. It is a corner suite, with a spectacular view of the city. Tosh is routinely sweeping the room for bugs with her PDA.

"She's importing stuff from all over the mid-eastern galaxy." Ianto declared.

"She could be moving money, guns. Anything." Tosh joined the conversation. "And the second you left there, we started getting calls to the ghost numbers. They were checking out the Harper front."

"Okay. Let's step up the surveillance on her. Put on two more guys." Ianto nodded.

.

.

.

Back at Gwen's warehouse the worker who was watching Ianto earlier catches up with Gwen, who is going through the doors to the office area. His name tag is MALIK.

"Ms. Cooper? Can I speak to you for a moment please, in your office?" he requested humbly. He doesn't meet her gaze. She nods and they go into the private office.

He comes in behind her and closes the door. The moment they are away from public observation, his manner changes. His humble posture straightens and his eyes flash intensely as he approaches her. Suddenly he slaps her across the face.

"You stupid undisciplined bitch!" he snarls and her jaw clenches but her reaction is unexpectedly submissive.

"It's a good thing you pay me well." She sniffs touching her hot cheek.

"Do you realize that there are surveillance teams watching this place right now? Your phones are almost certainly tapped. And you are busy laughing and flirting like a whore with this Harper, who may be a—"he snarled.

"No. He checked out okay—"he slaps her again.

"That is for interrupting." He barks then slaps her once more, "And that is for being wrong. We do not tolerate mistakes."

Gwen bites her lip. "What do you want me to do?"

"Find out who this Harper is." He ordered.

"How?"

"Use the gifts that the gods have given you." He snarls as he exits leaving her shaking.

 


	5. tombraider

The phone rings on the desk of Ianto's secretary at Torchwood Systems, the permanent front-company for the Sector.

"Hello, Torchwood Systems. Mr. Harkness-Jones's office." She purred.

Jack is in the kitchen, showing Janet how to put icing on a large birthday cake.

"Hi, it's Jack. Is he there?" Jack asks as he slaps at Janet who is licking the spoon.

"Ianto's secretary doesn't hesitate a microsecond. "Ianto's in a sales meeting, Mr. Harkness-Jones. Let me try him in there. Hold please."

She punches a key, engaging a digital scrambler and connecting to-

Owen opens his briefcase and looks at the console of the cellular scrambler-phone inside. The display reads TORCHWOOD/CALLER ID POS – HARKNESS-JONES, JACK.

"It's Jack." Owen warns Ianto as he swings the briefcase towards hm. Ianto picks up the phone.

"Hi honey. What's going on?" Ianto said pleasantly.

"Sorry to bother you in a meeting, but you have to promise me that you'll be home at eight. I don't want Janet and me sitting here by ourselves like we were last year. You promise?" Jack wheedled.

"Baby, I said I'd be there. Really. Trust me." Ianto assures him with a laugh.

"Gotta go, honey. Bye bye." Ianto said as the other phone rang.

"Hello? Oh, Gwen, hi." Ianto answered "Well sure. I can be there in twenty minutes."

Ianto hangs up. Owen, checking his watch, has a look like he's got to fart in front of a lady.

"What? It's on the way. She says she's got something for me." Ianto shrugged As Owen groaned.

"Yeah, right." Owen waggled his eyebrows as they snorted.

.

.

.

A worker guides Ianto through the maze of statuary. He points to the back of the warehouse and then leaves. Ianto is left alone in the immense space. Only a few lights are on, rendering the place somewhat cathedral like. Ianto walks in the direction the workman pointed. Ahead of him, is the huge frontage of a royal tomb. There is a flickering light inside. A shadow moves across the wall in the entrance.

Ianto calls out as he enters the stone doorway of the tomb. There is an oil-lamp burning on a stone sarcophagus, the only light. The room appears empty. Behind him a figure emerges from a shadowed alcove. Gwen looks ethereal in the peculiar light.

"Hello, Ianto" she purrs and Ianto swings, startled.

"Do you like my tomb? The museum deal faltered, so I thought your clients might be interested." She said as she walked towards him, her hips swinging.

"It's certainly... dramatic." Ianto raised an eyebrow as she touched his arm.

"Especially in this light. This is the only light that resembled their sun, so I like to study it this way. I love this place. I love old ruins." She sighed.

"Is that why you got into this business?" Ianto asked with a cock of his head.

Gwen turns to him in the flickering half-light. She moves closer. Her eyes seem to glimmer. Ianto vaguely wonders if she has contacts in.

"I've always been a collector at heart. When I see something I want, I have to have it." She ran a fingernail up his arm to rest on his shoulder.

"And you have a reputation as someone who gets what she wants." Ianto breathes.

She is very close to him. Her eyes seem to glimmer again in the light from the oil lamp. She is unbelievably beautiful.

"Yes, I do." She leaned in to smell his wonderful aftershave Jack got him for Christmas.

Owen is sitting in the car, in the shadows, up the street...with his earphone in place. Listening. "Iantothis is your conscience speaking..."

Gwen picks up the lamp and walks along the wall, holding it up so that the flickering shadows seem to bring the bas-relief figures to life. Stone faces shift and change, stone eyes move. Ianto makes a mental note to check his bloods later to see if she is burning something hallucinogenic in the lamps.

"Look at this. People who died twenty light years ago." She rang her red nails along the wall.

Gwen presses her cheek against the cold stone. She runs her fingers slowly across the figures. It is strange and erotic.

"They breathed and loved and wept, just like us. And now their ideals, their religions, their social orders... are gone like dust across the universe. What did any of it matter?" Gwen's voice is almost hypnotic.

"I only hope they lived well." Gwen said as she placed her hands on Ianto's shoulders, "That they got what they wanted."

She puts her hands on him and pulls him close. It is a hypnotic moment.

"Getting what you want is the only important thing." She kisses him, very lightly, with boundless sensuality.

"Ianto? Listen to the following safe word. Jack. J-A-C-K. Now, do you want me to page you?" Owen screamed in his ear.

"Yes." Ianto gulped, pulling back.

"Yes what?" Gwen purred as she rubbed against his hip.

"Uh, yes, it is important." Ianto stuttered.

Gwen is moving in for the kill as she licks her lips when—BEEP BEEP BEEP! Ianto pulls his pager off his hip and looks at it. The moment is gone.

"Uh, it looks like I have to run. I'll call you tomorrow. Your suggestion is very interesting." Ianto stumbles as he steps back, fleeing the room.

Owen lets out a big sigh of relief. He looks at his watch. SHIT!

Jack and Janet are sitting hopefully at the dining room table. There is a big cake, and presents piled on the side table. The food is getting cold. Jack looks at his watch.

"See!" Janet snarls.


	6. Day at the Mall

Ianto is changing clothes in the back seat, transforming back into Ianto Harkness-Jones, as Owen drives through evening traffic. Owen keeps glancing at the rear-view mirror.

"We have a friend. Five cars back, inside lane. They've been on us since we left Gwen's." Owen advises as Ianto glances back.

"Black station wagon?" Ianto asks as he starts on his tie.

"Uh huh. Want me to lose them?" Owen twitches with hope.

"No. We need this lead." Ianto warns as he touches his Bluetooth "Unit Seven."

"Seven here." Comes the tinny reply from Tosh.

"I need you at the mall in three minutes." Ianto advises as he shoots his cuffs.

"Copy that. We're rolling." Tosh replies.

"Jack's going to be pissed." Owen sing-songs with glee.

"See, that's the problem with intergalactic terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's plans." Ianto sighs as he face palms.

There are three men in the car following. They are from the warehouse still wearing the uniforms.

"Pull over here." Ianto gestures and Owen pulls the car to the curb near the mall entrance. Half a block behind them the station wagon does the same. Ianto slips on the virtual-image sunglasses and gets out of the car.

Ianto stops on the sidewalk for a moment to light a cigarette. He coughs.

"You don't smoke, Twat" Owen scoffs and Ianto lets his hand drop to his side, holding the pack of cigarettes casually. He turns his hand. The tiny lens in the cigarette pack shines in the street lights.

Inside the left lens of the glasses. The camera in the cigarette pack reveals two aliens getting out of their car, crossing the street towards Ianto.

Ianto strolls into the mall. It is an open vaulted design, with a light crowd of shoppers. Ianto watches in the glasses as the aliens slip through the crowd behind him.

"What's the plan?" Owen demanded in his ear.

"Gonna try to get a closer look at Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb" Ianto said softly as he adjusts the cigarette packet.

Owen looks in the rear-view mirror, studying the car behind him. He frowns and then informs Ianto "There's another guy, still in the car."

"Stay on him." Ianto hisses as he keeps walking.

All Owen can see is a silhouette in the car. A soft red glow, the tip of a cigarette in the dark. No features.

Ianto turns off the main walkway, into a narrower walkway between shops. In the video-glasses he watches the aliens, who have split up to look less noticeable, as they track him through the shoppers.

"Jack? Hi, it's Owen. Ianto remembered something he left at the office. You know Ianto" Owen speaks on the phone and as he is talking he sees that a bus has blocked his view of the station wagon.

Jack sighs resignedly down the line. "Yeah, Owen. I know Ianto."

Jack hangs up the phone just as Janet storms through the room, putting on a coat and heading for the front door.

"Where are you going?" Jack demands as he slams the phone back in the counter.

"Out. If Tad doesn't care enough about us to be here on his birthday, then why should I care?" she snarled showing her teeth "I'm going to a movie."

"No you're not. You're going to stay here until your father gets home and have cake!" Jack pouts as he feels a headache coming on.

"Dad, wake up! Tad barely remembers that we exist." She scoffs. She turns so her Daddy can't see the hurt in her eyes. She doesn't hate her father. She just misses him.

"That's not true, honey—"Jack tries to defend his husband.

"It is true! He doesn't know anything about me. He still thinks I'm like ten years old or something. As long as I just bear it to whatever he says, like his good little fantasy daughter, he thinks everything's fine. But it's not fine. Nothing's fine." Janet runs form the room and Jack runs after her.

"Janet! Come back here!" Jack yelled but the slamming door is the only answer.

The taller alien sees Ianto, up ahead, enter a public Toilet. He signals the other alien with a glance and the two of them close in on the toilet.

Owen hangs up the phone. The bus blocking his view finally pulls away and Owen can now see that the station wagon is empty. No silhouette.

"Oh shit." Owen gasps grabbing at his Bluetooth "Ianto, I lost the third guy. Yan?"

Ianto can't answer because Tweedle Dee just entered the room behind him. Ianto is at one of the urinals, seemingly taking a leak. The alien goes to the mirror and starts combing his hair. He doesn't see the pack of Camels sitting on the counter nearby. Ianto is whistling. Shaking himself.

In the video glasses Ianto sees himself and the alien. Tweedle Dumb comes into the restroom, seemingly ignoring both men, as if heading for the stalls. As he passes behind Ianto he reaches into his coat-

Ianto spins super-fast. He knocks away the sonic gun aimed at the back of his head with a sweeping block, capturing the alien's arm in an arm-lock. The shot goes wide, shattering a urinal.

Ianto slams his palm into the alien's face like an action hero, and spins him against the steel stalls. The gun goes flying across the floor.

Tweedle Dee whips a laser out of his waistband. Still holding the Yeti-like Tweedle Dumb, Ianto draws his Glock so fast we can barely see him move. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Three .45 slugs go through Tweedle Dumb's chest, shattering the mirror behind him. He flops on his butt, slumping against the wall.

The other alien, who is easily Ianto's size, bellows and grabs his gun arm. They smash against the walls, struggling for the gun. The alien is locked on to Ianto, hurling him against the stalls. They hit a locked door, which pops open, banging inward.

The Alien drives Ianto to the floor. Ianto's head is between the feet of an elderly man sitting on the loo, who looks down blankly at him.

The Alien slams Ianto's gun hand repeatedly against the doorframe of the stall. He twists Ianto's wrist brutally. He even strikes against Ianto's hand with his knee. The old guy winces. _That's got to hurt_. Ianto cries out in pain and the gun drops. The Alien reaches for it, but Ianto kicks it under the stalls.

Ianto punches him in the face, driving him back. They struggle, spinning. Ianto drives his head into the counter. Then he elbows him in the throat and they crash together on the filthy floor. Ianto grabs his hair and pounds his face continually against the rim of a urinal. In case you haven't noticed, this is a messy, nasty fight. Survival is like that.

The alien slumps into submission. Ianto pulls a zip-strip out of his pocket and uses it like hand-cuffs, securing his wrists.

Owen is running full out, drawing his gun. He has one finger in his ear. His gut is doing flips as he runs. "Ianto? You copy?! Shit!"

Ianto is pulling the alien to his feet when the door bangs open behind him. He turns, thinking it is Owen. It's not. Malik raises a Laser Shocker 92-F and opens fire. Ianto spins the restrained alien between him and the laser. Large alien's beer-keg body stops the spray of laser beams form hitting Harry long enough for him to dive into a stall.

Malik hoses the room with the laser. The metal stalls are riddled with hits.

Ianto is in the stall with the old guy, who's just sitting there. The walls of the stall are popping with the hits on the far side. Ianto reaches under the stall, retrieving his Glock.

Malik goes empty. Ianto hears that and pops out, firing off rounds-

Malik is a blur going out the door, as Ianto's shots shatter tiles on the doorframe. Then silence.

"Sorry." Ianto says softly to the poor man gaping up at him.


	7. Welsh?

Malik backs rapidly away from the restroom, recharging.

"Oi Dickhead" Owen shouts as he draws a bead.

Malik spins to see Owen, going into a firing stance behind a support beam. The Alien doesn't hesitate. His laser roars at 900 rounds per minute.

Owen tries to hide behind the beam, which is almost as wide as he is. Shots hit all around him, shattering window glass behind him. His stomach sticks out. He sucks it in. Now his butt is sticking out on the other side. Shots clang into the steel column, and riddle everything behind him.

Just when it looks like Owen is going to get a laser tuck, Malik turns and sprints away, through shocked pedestrians. Ianto runs out of the restroom, trying for a shot, but there are too many people in the line of fire and Malik knows it.

"Get back to the car!" Ianto yells as he pounds after Malik. Malik is fast and vicious. He hurls people out of the way, sending shoppers flying. Ianto is merciless in his pursuit. They scream through the mall and out onto the street-

Malik sprints straight into traffic. A car screeches, not stopping in time... Malik goes right over the bonnet. Ianto slides over the bonnets of cars after him. Malik sees Ianto coming after him like a juggernaut.

He turns and sees a motorbike coming down the street, speeding up from a turn. Malik runs at him, clothes-lining the rider right off the bike. The alien picks up the nimble little bike, which is still running, and leaps on. He pops the clutch and takes off. Ianto tracks after him like a terminator. He sees Malik turn, taking the bike path into Bute park. Ianto runs into the park trying to cut him off.

Ahead of Ianto is a horse drawn carriage sitting in the park as the horse is standing to one side with a feed bag as the driver has a smoke. Ianto doesn't break stride, heading right for the horse. The driver turns, surprised, a split second before- Ianto pushes him away from the horse and slams him to the ground.

"Officer in pursuit of suspect! Sorry." Ianto is in the saddle and galloping after Malik before the man can stop him.

Malik roars through the park on the Kawasaki. He looks back, shocked to see Ianto charging after him on a horse. They scatter joggers and bicyclists, people walking their dogs. Malik leaves the winding path and goes straight through the trees.

Ianto charges through some rollerbladers who go sprawling. Malik fires his laser straight back at Ianto, flattening it. He drops the weapon and crouches over the bike, twisting the last bit of throttle out of it. They are going flat out, through the trees, in a blur.

Owen is panting and heaving, pulls his car into traffic. The Unit Seven car pulls out as well, up the block.

"Ianto, what's your twenty?" Owen demands as he searches for him on the PDA.

Ianto is riding the horse hard. He has his reigns in one hand, his Glock in the other. It's the Wild Wild West.

"Westbound in the park... suspect is on a motorcycle... he's going to come out by the hooker loos. Hang on—"Ianto leaps a park bench like he's in a steeple chase. "I want you left in case he turns south. And I need seven on the north side to box him in."

Owen is weaving furiously through traffic. He slides into a turn, drifting the car like he's seen Too Fast n Furious Tokyo Drift too any times. "Copy that."

"And make it fast." Ianto shouts "My horse is getting tired."

"Your horse?" Owen squeaks to himself.

Malik bursts through the bushes and out onto the street. Cars skid around him, out of control. He turns south. Weaving through traffic. Ianto leaps the hedgerow behind Malik and gallops amongst the spun-out cars. He goes right over the hood on one which is blocking his path. The driver ducks as the horse's hoof pops the windshield.

Up ahead traffic is stopped, at a light. Malik goes into the oncoming traffic lanes, which are empty. Owen's car drifts around the corner in a blare of horns and comes barrelling down the street toward him. Owen cranks the wheel the slides the car broadside, blocking both lanes. Malik locks up the brakes and the bike slides to a stop. Then the Alien pops the clutch and wheels the bike around—jumping the curb and going straight at the entrance of the Hilton.

Bellmen and guests scatter as the bike roars right at them. The sliding doors and opening for a bellman coming out with bags and Malik blasts past him into the lobby.

Ianto ducks, galloping through the doors after him.

Acres of marble and red carpet. Liveries porters. Guests dressed for evening, the men in suits, and diamonds on the women. And sudden chaos as Malik roars through the lobby, with Ianto charging along behind him. Malik guns it across the lounge, knocking over tables. He gets air at the top of the steps going up to the restaurant.

Ianto swerves to avoid a panicking guest and finds himself careening toward the brass band at a full gallop. He gathers the animal and leaps (in glorious slow motion) over the drummer, who is diving for the carpet. Ianto and horse land neatly and then he urges his mount right up the steps after Malik.

Ianto roars between the tables, looking around wildly for a way out. Ianto charges in, ducking to avoid the chandelier. Waiters, trays, dinners, tables... everything seems to be flying at once as people dive out of the way.

Malik skids out into the main hall by another door, and sees the lifts.

Owen is at the large water feature, screaming at Malik who ignores him as he turns towards the lift doors. The door is just closing on one of them. He guns it and slides through the doors.

Ianto gallops out of the restaurant in time to catch a glimpse of Malik as the doors close.

As Owen watches with his mouth open, Ianto gallops the horse through the water and Tosh swears as Ianto canters the horse into the next elevator, which has just been boarded by an older couple. He has to practically lie down on the horse to fit through the door. The animal barely fits, nose to tail, in what is a glass lift with a view of the whole atrium of the hotel as it rises, right to the top of the building. Ianto looks through the glass at the lift car next to him, fifteen feet away. Malik is inside, punching a button. He glances up and sees Ianto. Their eyes meet for a moment, just before Malik's car ascends rapidly. Malik's malevolent glare is etched on Ianto's brain.

The older couple is jammed against the side-wall by Ianto's sweaty, panting, snorting horse. It clomps around the tight space. The woman is trying to slide between her husband and the wall.

"Can you just press the top floor, please?" Ianto asks politely and the man nods silently and obeys. Their lift takes off, chasing after Malik's.

Ianto has to slide off the horse to get next to the control panel so he just lays over the horse's neck. He can look up at an angle and see Malik in the car above him. His thumb hovers over the emergency stop button. If Malik gets out at any floor, Ianto will have a moment to react and stop. Malik can look down and see this. He knows Ianto's got him. He just keeps going, floor after floor, using the time to think.

The older woman is still just staring, trying not to breathe. The horse flicks her in the face with his tail.

The rooftop has a spectacular view of the city. Malik comes out of the elevator, rides to the far edge of the roof and slides to a stop. He looks down twenty stories.

Ianto arrives. The doors part and Ianto comes out, with his Glock poised and ready. He sees Malik revving his bike. The alien guns the bike into a fast one-eighty and speeds back toward the edge of the roof. Amazingly, he increases speed, spinning the wheel off the roof as he flies into space.

Ianto rides to the edge in time to see Malik, on his bike, splash into the rooftop pool on the roof of the next hotel!

Ianto is out of control now, seeing the guy setting away. He turns his mount and charges across the roof to get some running space. Then he turns again, back toward the edge Malik jumped from. He kicks the horse's flanks and yells HAAHH!

The horse's hoofs thunder on the roof as they go full tilt toward the edge.

But a horse is not a motorcycle. It is slightly smarter. It slams its front hoofs down together, stopping suddenly. Ianto shoots right over its head. He flies forward, almost going right off the roof. He slams to the edge, with his legs hanging over, holding onto a piece of pipe with one hand. His Glock tumbles down into darkness.

Ianto sees Malik far below, climb out of the pool, running to the roof door of the other building. Getting away. Ianto calmly clicks at the horse who backs up, pulling Ianto back up so he clambers up onto his own roof, breathing hard. He walks over to the horse.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Ianto berates the horse "We had the guy and you let him get away."

He looks into the horse's innocent brown eyes. Pats its neck fondly.

"What kind of horse are you? Are you even Welsh?"


	8. Sand Dweller

Jack is asleep at the dining room table next to a half-eaten cake and some melted ice cream. His unopened presents are piled at one end of the table. Jack raises his head as Ianto enters shamefacedly.

"Look, I know you're upset. I'm really sorry, honey. I raced home as quick—"Ianto began to explain.

"It's okay, don't bother, Ianto." Jack sighs sleepily.

Ianto goes to him and puts his arms around him. He is tender with him. He wishes he can tell him the truth. "I'm sorry. Thank you for the party."

"Yeah. It was great." Jack finds a smile for him somewhere. He really does love him, though more and more often lately he finds his heart breaking.

"Let's go to bed, Ianto. There's only one gift you have to open tonight." he grins and arches one eyebrow evocatively.

Jack walks Ianto to the edge of the bed and sits him down. He puts his hand on Ianto's chest and pushes, causing him to lie back.

"Don't move. I'll be right back." Jack growls as Ianto nods excitedly.

Jack turns on the stereo. An Ed Sheeran disc he put in there earlier. Soft music flows around the room. Jack enters the bathroom and shuts the door partway. He opens a cupboard and quickly pulls out some things he hid there earlier. A bottle of champagne on ice. Two glasses. Some trashy feminine lingerie.

"Come on to bed, you don't have to brush your teeth." Ianto called desperately.

"I'll just be a second. So what happened tonight at the office?" Jack called back to stall as he struggled with the pantyhose.

"I couldn't believe it. I go back to get this report I need, right, and the phone is ringing, so like a twat I answer it—" Ianto makes it up as he goes along, as always with a mono-drone.

Jack is hurrying to put on the unfamiliar lingerie. G-string panties and low-cut padded bra. He holds up the garter belt, turning it backward and forward, trying to figure out which way it goes.

Ianto is yawning. Lying with the ease of years of practice. "It's the big client in Japan, and it's the middle of the morning there and their whole system is crashed... this guy's having a meltdown—"

"What'd you do, honey?" Jack called out to stall some more as he stared at the eyelashes in his palm.

"Well I pull out the manual on their setup, which is the new 680 server..." Ianto drones as Jack is fastens the garters to the tops. His features are a scowl of concentration. He is very serious in his preparations.

"...and I'm troubleshooting it with them over the phone..." Ianto is still droning in "talking to a translator, right, who's getting half of it wrong... it was unbelievable... really wild."

"It sounds wild. So now you're a big hero, right? For fixing their system." Jack smiles as he holds up red stiletto.

"Uh huh." Ianto says quietly

"My husband the hero." Red lipstick. Then he puts a little perfume on his wrists. "I'll be right there, honey. Just a minute."

Ianto doesn't answer. After a moment's hesitation Jack puts a little perfume down the front of his panties. "Just a second."

Jack quickly pours two glasses of champagne. Then he slinks around the doorframe, making his entrance. He looks like a living 0900 number. Jack stands before the bed, looking down, holding the champagne glasses.

Ianto is sprawled on the bed, fully clothed, snoring softly. Jack is all dressed up with no place to go. He gazes down at him, his shoulders slumping.

"Happy Birthday, Yan." he sighs deeply and downs his champagne in one long gulp.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It is the following morning. Ianto and Owen are staked out watching the front of Janet's school. Actually, Ianto is staked out, scanning the crowds of kids with binoculars.

Owen just keeps looking at his watch. He picks up a cell phone and pretends to call the office. "Hey, did that guy Ianto chased last night call in to give himself up yet? Cause apparently that's the only way we're going to catch the fucker!"

"Okay. Here she comes." Ianto barks as Janet comes out to the curb and meet Andy, who pulls up on his bike. She gets on behind him, adjusts her I-pod headphones over her ears and he launches out into traffic.

Ianto, who is behind the wheel, pulls out after her. Andy weaves dangerously through the light traffic, going in between the cars.

"Look at the way the little skid-mark is driving. He's all over the place. Look- he hasn't signalled once." Ianto huffs.

"Goddammit! That's outrageous." Owen tried for fake horror.

Ianto speeds up. Somebody honks as he cuts them off to stay with Andy.

Janet looks back and sees Ianto following her. She is mortified that her father is actually tailing her, "Oh my God! I think that's my Tad!"

"Hang on!" Andy downshifts and punches it. The agile little bike screams as it zips between cars.

"So, you wanna play huh? You little—"Ianto snarls through his clenched teeth.

"That's it. Get 'im Ianto" Owen has had enough and snaps as he pulls his weapon, "We'll teach that little puke not to signal!"

Andy, who's actually a really good rider zig-zags between the cars, cutting amongst them at the next light where Owen and Ianto get blocked. He cuts a sharp right turn and disappears.

Harry is stuck in stopped traffic flow. He pounds the wheel in frustration.

"Ha! The little prick ditched you! That is so fucking funny." Owen crowed.

"Son of a bitch!" Ianto roared into the windscreen.

"Can we go to the office now, Mr. Superspy?" Owen pleads with clasped hands and fluttering eyelashes.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ianto is sitting at a computer workstation, lit by the monitor screen. Owen and Tosh look on as he clicks through files of known intergalactic terrorists. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. Ianto is focussed. He stops. He goes back one. Studies the face.

A defiant looking Sontaran with a full snarl. Ianto holds up his hand, blocking out the teeth, concentrating on the eyes. "That's him."

Ianto slaps photos down in front of Suzie. "AbuKa Malik."

"Hardcore, highly fanatical, ultra-fundamentalist. Linked to numerous car-bombings, that cafe bomb in Rome, and the 727 that "disappeared" out of Lisbon last year. Major Player" Ianto reads form a file on his hands. *

"Now he's formed his own splinter faction called Crimson Tarians." Tosh put in from her PDA.

"Guess he thought the other intergalactic terrorist groups were too warm and fuzzy for his taste." Owen snorted.

"They call him "The Sand Dweller" Tosh supplied and Suzie frowned.

"Why?" she asked Tosh.

"Probably because it sounds scary." Tosh shrugged.

"This is impressive, children. Of course, it would have been even more impressive if you actually knew where he was." Suzie sighed as she looked over the file again.

"We'll get him." Ianto glowered.

"Yes. You will." Suzie ordered "Ianto, I still want you in charge, even though your cover is blown. Just keep a low profile. Generally I prefer it when my covert operations don't make the front page."

The agents look at the headlines on the newspaper she slapped down: WILD WEST CHASE. Ianto and Owen groan.


	9. Adam?

Ianto and Owen pull to the curb in front of the building where Jack works.

"What's going on?" Owen demands as Ianto exits the car and turns back, leaning in the door to talk to him.

"Look, uh... I've got to talk to Jack about this thing with Janet. I'm just going to run in and see if he can get away for lunch." Ianto explained.

"You want me to just hang-?" Owen waves an arm.

"Just hang a minute." Ianto grinned.

"I'll just hang then, shall I?" Owen groused into the empty vehicle.

Ianto enters the office of Jack's firm. He stops at reception.

"Hello Mr. Harkness-Jones. Just a second, I'll buzz Jack." The woman smiles politely and Ianto smiles back.

"No. No, I'd like to surprise him. Thanks, I know where his desk is." Ianto smiles and breezes past her before she has a chance to object.

Ianto moves through the offices. He passes through an Archive-like maze of records stacks. Through them he can see Jack at his desk. But as he approaches, still hidden by the stacks, Alice puts a call on hold and whips around to Jack.

"Jack" Alice hisses and Ianto hesitates. Did they see him? "It's your mystery man."

"Adam? Ohmygod." Jack, normally the image of composure, goes suddenly fluttery and nervous as a high-school girl. He takes the phone, turning away from Alice.

"Hello, Adam?" Jack simpered "It's all right. There's no one around."

Jack glimpses Alice with her ears wagging and gives her a frown and a shooing motion. Alice turns away, grinning.

Ianto, hiding behind the stacks, silently mouths Adams name with confusion.

"You mean right now?" Jack gasps, look around furtively "I guess so. Okay. I'll be right there."

"Yes. I can't wait. Bye." he hangs up, a little flushed. Then turns to Alice. "Can you cover me for an hour?"

"Just an hour?" Alice scoffs, "You should tell this stud to take more time."

"Will you shut up." Jack hisses, "I should never have told you about him."

Jack grabs his jacket and rushes out, going right past the stack where Ianto is standing, dumbfounded. He looks like he was slammed in the stomach with a lead pipe. His whole like is unravelling.

Owen sees Ianto crossing the street, holding his stomach. He seems dazed. He is not so much walking to the car as drifting in its general direction. He stops, in the street. Owen gets out of the car and rushes to him. He pulls him out of the path of a bus.

"You look like you got gut-kicked." Owen tells him "What's the matter? You sick?"

Ianto leans against the car for support. "He- Jack. Jack. It's Jack, Owen."

"Something to do with Jack, is what I'm guessing." Owen sighed.

"He's having an affair." Ianto wails.

Ianto's best friend in the world animates with the news. He slaps him on the back. "Congratulations. Welcome to the club."

"It can't be. Not Jack." Ianto shakes his head.

"Nobody believes it can happen to them." Owen snorts.

"It can't be." Ianto whispers almost to himself more than Owen.

"Same thing happened to me with wife two. I had no idea until I came home and the house was empty. I mean empty." Owen crows "She even took the ice-cube trays from the fridge. What kind of person would think of that?"

"I still don't believe it." Ianto moans.

Relax. Jack still loves you. He just wants to drill this guy. It's nothing serious." Owen assures him, "You'll get used to it after a…"

Ianto turns on Owen, grabbing him by the front of his jacket, and he slams him against the car.

"STOP CHEERING ME UP!" Ianto roars as he struggles with his emotions.

"What'd ya expect Yan? He's a hot-blooded man. And you're never there. It was only a matter of time." Owen rationalises.

Ianto slumps against the vehicle. His friend is right. Owen opens the car door and helps him in like an invalid, talking soothingly the whole time, "I say we concentrate on work. That's how I always got through it whenever my life turned to crap. Let's catch some Aliens and then you can beat the crap out of them. You'll feel better."

.

.

.

Ianto and Owen are in the tech room sitting at a terminal. Banks of hard-drives are recording calls, rows of technicians in cubicles processing and collating transcripts.

She's giving us a blank check on wiretaps. So I've set 'em up on all of Gwen's shipping agents, her clients, and Hart made up a list of possible contacts that Crimson Tarians might have in this country. Now all we can do is wait…" Owens speech tapers off as he notices that Ianto is not listening.

"Is this Galactic Security stuff boring you?" Owen rests his chin on a hand.

"Put a tap on the phone." Ianto demands.

"What're you talking about? We have that." Owen asks with confusion.

"Jack's phone. His office line and the line at my house." Ianto leans back with a smirk.

Owen gives Ianto a disturbed look, and glances around nervously. He pulls him into an empty office.

"Okay. . .I have two words to describe that idea. In. and Sane. An unauthorized wiretap is a felony, dickhead!" Owen hisses with wide eyes.

Ianto grabs him and rams him up against the wall, his teeth grinding.

"Yeah, and we do it twenty times a day. Don't give me that crap." Ianto growls menacingly, "Just put on the taps. Now!"

"Sure, Ianto. I'm on it." Owen placates him with a pat to his arm.

Ianto releases him and turns away. Owen straightens his jacket, looking at his friend like he's completely losing it.

That night Ianto is actually there on time for tea. He looks up at Janet, who has been eyeing him warily. She looks at her peas and pokes at them with her fork.

"How was school today?" Ianto asks.

"Fine." Janet mumbles not looking up.

Ianto takes a bite of his food, watching her. Silence. Jack glances at him.

"So! You came by to see me today?" Jack a little too casual, masking her nervousness.

"I was in the area, and I thought you might like to have lunch." Ianto says reaching for the gravy.

"They must've just missed me." Jack frowns, trying to think fast.

"They said you had to run out." Ianto watches his husband squirm.

"Yeah. It was a rush thing. They needed some documents down at the court house. I barely made it." Jack says quickly, then looks at his plate of food.

Ianto watches her lying to him with some amazement. Ianto grinds his teeth silently as he ponders Jack's bold faced lies.

"So, a little excitement in an otherwise dull day. Did it all work out okay?" Ianto sighs.

"Oh, sure. Fine." Jack leaps to his feet "I'll get some more gravy."

"I'm done." Janet declares as she follows her father from the room.

Ianto sits at the table, alone. He feels isolated, knowing that everybody is trapped in a web of lies.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ianto walks along some cubicles in the tech department and comes to a particular set of machines. He reaches past the technician and picks up the hard-copy of the transcripts.

Ianto is walking and looking through the phone transcripts. Owen watches him through a glass partition, shaking his head slowly. Harry freezes, staring at the page and reads a page.

Hello? – JACK HARKNESS JONES WORK PHONE

Jack? It's Adam. Is it safe to talk? - CALLER ID WITHHELD

Yes. Go ahead. – JACK HARKNESS JONES WORK PHONE

I can't talk long. Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow? I must see you. - CALLER ID WITHHELD

Yes. I suppose so. Where? – JACK HARKNESS JONES WORK PHONE

The same place. One o'clock. I have to go now. See you tomorrow. Remember, I need you. - CALLER ID WITHHELD

Now Ianto is seeing the proof in black and white. He slowly crumples the paper in one hand, his face changing to anger.

* * *

 


	10. Spooky

Jack is reading in bed. He glances up as Ianto comes into the room. Gives him a quick smile. A nervous one.

"I thought we might have lunch tomorrow." Ianto states as he sits to remove his shoes.

"I can't, honey. I promised Alice I'd go shopping with her." Jack says with fake sorrow, "Sorry."

Ianto watches his husband calmly lying to him. It's bizarre to him.

"No problem." Ianto says as he rises and as he leaves he picks up Jack's Jacket from the chair and goes into the hall.

Ianto comes out of the house, walking Myfanwy on a leash. Ianto walks along to Owen's car, half a block up, and hands him Jack's Jacket. Owen stares at the dog warily. He growls at it. Myfanwy hides behind Ianto with fear.

"Look, Ianto. I know this is Hard. I felt the same way the first time it happened to…" Ianto holds up one finger. His eyes and expression are so scary that Owen just trails off.

"Right." Owen huffs as he starts examining the jacket.

"So . . . the usual, right?" Owen asks, "GPS locator, telemetry burst transmitter, audio transmitter, power supply?

"Just have is back in two hours." Ianto orders as he swings back to continue the walk.

.

.

.

Jack drives through the city in his favourite jacket.

Ianto drives a plain car while Owen watches the PDA. Jack's jacket appears as a moving blip on a street-map of the city.

"Okay, he's turning on Seventeenth. Make a left, you should see him." Owen advises and grabs for the door handle as Ianto makes the turn.

"There he is." Owen points to Jacks car pulling into a parking lot next to a Cafe. Ianto parks the car a block away and gets out his binoculars.

Jack gets out of his car and looks around as he walks to the cafe. He is not nervous, but it is clear he is making sure he is not followed. Then he enters.

"Give me audio." Ianto says with a nod.

Owen hits a switch and they hear the din of the cafe at lunch rush come over the car speakers.

The restaurant is dark and moody. Jack makes his way to a table in the back. Sitting in the shadows, facing the door, is Adam. Jack sits down opposite him. He doesn't smile or kiss Jack in greeting, but glances around the room like he expects an attacker to leap out at any moment.

"Are you sure you weren't followed?" Adam hisses with fear in his voice.

"I kept looking back, like you taught me. I didn't see anyone." Jack assures him, reaching across the table.

"Okay. It's just, things are a bit hot for me right now. If I get a signal..." Adam warns holding up a flick lighter and shaking it "I may have to leave suddenly.

"I understand." Jack says softly, looking around as well.

"It's my job to risk my life, but not yours. I feel bad about bringing you into this, but you're the only one I can trust." Adam says with a desperate tilt to his voice and he squeezes Jack's hand.

"Where were you? On a... uh, mission?" Jack says furtively looking around.

"Ssshhh! We say Op. A covert operation. And this one got a little rough." Adam leans in and Jack does as well, their faces barely inches apart across the little table.

"Worse than Cairo?" Jack asks with an understanding smile.

"Cairo was a day at the beach next to this." Adam sighs rubbing his face.

Ianto and Owen turn to each other, shocked with the sudden shared epiphany.

"Guy's a spook!" Owen gasps.

"Yeah, but for who?" Ianto mutters with fear for Jack tempering his anger.

"He could be working him to get to you." Owen voices his own fear.

Ianto waves his hand, shushing Owen.

Adam puts a newspaper on the table, sliding it over to Jack.

"Did you read the papers yesterday?" Adam leans back and looks at a point over Jack's shoulder.

"Yes." Jack looks down at the headline HILTON MADNESS.

"Sometimes a story is a mask for a covert operation. See—two men killed in a restroom, and two other unidentified men in a running shootout, ending at the Hilton..." Adam taps the paper with his finger as he talks.

Ianto and Owen react with silent gestures as each other, realizing that it is the story of their operation gone awry.

"That was you?!" Jack is shocked.

"You recognized my style. See you're very good. You're a natural at this." Adam smiles at Jack who preens a bit.

Ianto starts to get it and shakes his head. Then is dawns on Owen.

"The guy's a fake! He's taking credit for our moves." Owen growls with outrage.

Jack is clearly is hanging on his every word. "Tell me what happened?"

"I'm sorry, I can't." Adam warns with a shake of his head.

"You can trust me completely." Jack hisses with side eyes, his interest apparent.

"I know. But it would compromise your safety too much to know certain things." Adam sight regretfully.

"Right, of course. I was worried when I didn't hear from you that night." Jack nodded eagerly.

It's strange. I knew I was in someone special's thoughts when I was shooting it out with those assassins." Adam stares meaningfully into Jack's gaze.

Ianto silently struggles with his emotions as they listen to the outrageous fabrication.

"Unbelievable." Owen barks with vigour but Jack is eating it up.

"Were they trying to kill you?" Jack shows his anger.

"Three of them. Hardly worth talking about. Two won't bother me again." Adam sniffs with a shrug.

"And you chased one?" Jack says incredulously.

"Something came over me, I just had nail him, no matter what the risk. It was pretty hairy. I thought he had me, a couple of times. But I really can't take the credit. . ." Adam shakes his head and the men in the car look expectantly at the dashboard.

"You can't?" Jack frowns.

"No. It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react without thinking." Adam tells Jack sincerely.

Ianto and Owen laugh. This is too much.

"I'm starting to like this guy." Owen giggles and then he looks at Ianto and his smile wanes with Ianto's glower. "We still have to kill him, that's a given."

Jack leans even closer Adam with wide eyes "What is it you want me to do?"

"Not here. I'll call you and we'll rendezvous again." Adam looks furtive and shifts in his seat "We have to leave separately, so we aren't seen together. For your safety."

"You'll call me then?" Jack demands reassurance.

"Yes. Now go." Adam demands and Jack hurries from the table.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Adam is cruising in the Corvette with the radio blasting. Thinking he is shit hot.

Adam swings into a used car lot, which is a run-down place. A poor collection of makes and models, a few which might almost be classics.

Adam backs the Vette into an open space on the front line. He reaches into the back seat and pulls out a sign showing the FOR SALE price of the car. He sticks it back on the dash.

Ianto and Owen pull up on the other side of the street and they watch as Adam climbs out of the Vette and goes into the sales office.

"He's a goddamn used car salesman. This just gets better." Owen laughs then looks solemnly at Ianto "Sorry Ianto, I know this is painful.

Ianto's eyes are narrowed as he stares across the street menacingly.

* * *

 


	11. meetings

Adam holds up an old tape deck adjusting the volume. The sound of traffic noise and middle-eastern music blares from the speakers and Adam pushes it closer to the phone, talking loud, as if over the racket of a real place.

"It's a great little bar, Amanda, you'd love it. Beirut's a great place if you know the city. Listen, this isn't a secure line. I'll tell you all about it when I get back tomorrow... if I live." Adam pauses as he listens to his fish wriggle on the line "Scared? Never! Except for you…"

Adam looks up seeing, the owner of the place, come out of the back room and looked out at the lot where Ianto is browsing among the cars.

The boss turns from the window and bears down on Adam, who sees him coming and speeds up his shit.

"I have to go, baby. A guy's coming toward me…"the boss grabs the phone out of his hand and slams it in the cradle.

"Adam, look out there. You see that man? Notice how he's looking at the cars. He's called a customer. I know it's been a while, but do you remember what you're supposed to do when we have a customer?" the boss growls at Adam.

Adam bounces eagerly up to Ianto, talking before he's even reached him.

"It wants you too. Feel it vibrate? How about a little spin?" Adam holds his hand over the convertible's hood and shivers.

Adam opens the passenger door and pushes Ianto into the seat, then runs around the car. He leaps over the closed door into the driver's seat and starts the car.

"You gotta jump in. That's rule number one. It takes a little practice, but there's no way around it." He tells Ianto who stares impassively back.

Adams swings the car out onto the street and leans back, "See, it's not just a car, it's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car... it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it." Adam informs Ianto with a big grin. Ianto returns a knowing chuckle.

"What're we talking about here? Tail, right?" Adam asks with a wink.

"Absolutely." Ianto laughs.

Adam and Ianto both laugh. A big lusty, male-bonding kind of laugh.

"Well then this is a vital piece of equipment. Used properly, it can change your life. See, you cruise. No racing. This ain't a Ferrari. You check out the scenery, let the scenery check you out. You got to take it slow. Old cars are like good tail... they heat up fast." Adam smiles as he enjoys the ride.

"Keep talking." Ianto smiles sweetly as he swallows down his rage.

Over tacos, Adam waxes lyrical on his greatest area of expertise. We see Ianto laughing, going along with the prick as he is pretending to bond.

"Let's face it, Ianto, the Vette gets 'em wet. But it's not enough. If you want to really reel them in, you gotta have an angle." Adam nods as he shares his wisdom.

"And you've got one?" Ianto asks innocently.

"It's killer. Look at me" dam points to himself, "I'm not that much to look at. No really. I can be honest. But I got 'em lining up, and not just skanks, either. Some are I suppose."

"So what's your angle?" Ianto leans in eagerly with wide eyes.

"Sorry. Trade secret." Adam leans back smugly.

"Sure. Set me up and then don't tell me." Ianto scoffs, folding his arms.

Adam leans forward, conspiratorially. "Okay, just ask yourself. What do future fucks really want? You take these bored housewives or househusbands, married to the same guy for years. Stuck in a rut. They need some release. The promise of adventure. A hint of danger. I create that for them." Adam informs Ianto with a snigger.

"So you're basically lying your ass off the whole time? I couldn't do it." Ianto sniffs with a shake of his head.

"Well, think of it as playing a role. It's fantasy. You have to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily suburban grind for a few hours." Adam advises with a pat on Ianto's arm. _Damn, firm._

"Isn't that hard to keep up, in the long run?" Ianto cocks his head with a frown.

"Doesn't matter. I like change. You know, constant turnover. As soon as I close the deal, it's one of two more times, then adios." Adam waves his hand dismissively.

"Use 'em and lose 'em." Ianto snorts.

"Exactly. The trick is, you gotta pick your target. They have to be nice little wifey types. School-teachers. Dental Assistants. But, I'm telling you, you get their pilot lit, these babes, they can suck-start a leaf-blower." Adam says gleefully.

"What about the husbands?" Ianto demands.

"Dickless. If they took care of business, I'd be out of business, know what I mean?" Adam snorts.

"Those idiots." Ianto growls, kicking himself mentally.

They are cruising along, with Ianto driving this time.

"You working on someone right now?" Ianto asks dismissively.

"I always have a couple on the hook. You know. There's one right now, I've got him panting like a dog. It's great." Adam laughs as Ianto's hands clench the wheel tighter.

"What does he do?" Ianto asks once he has his temper under control again.

"Some kinda legal secretary of something. Married to some boring jerk." Adam informs Ianto as they take a corner with a squeal of tyres "And he could be so hot, if he wanted to be. He's like a dying plant that just needs a little water.

When Adam is looking at Ianto he is all smiles and encouragement as they laugh together... then when he looks away Ianto goes slit eyed. He could kill Adam with one punch. He's visualizing beating the shit out of this guy.

"But with you, he gets to be hot, right?" Ianto asks and Adam laughs.

"Red hot. His tight hole steams." they laugh together. Ianto's laugh is getting a bit harsh.

"Sooooo... he's pretty good in the sack, then?" Ianto really wants to know if Jack had bent over for him.

"Hey, slow down you're gonna miss the turn!" Adam yells and Ianto comes barrelling into the lot at high speed. He cranks the wheel and hits the emergency brake, slewing the car into a smoking drifting -180. It screeches backward, sliding right into its parking space perfectly.

Adam is impressed then he scrambles out and goes around to Ianto, coughing in the cloud of tyre smoke.

"See? You and this car were meant for each other. Why fight it?" Adam punches Ianto lightly on the shoulder "Sure, I have a couple other buyers lined up, but I like your style. What'da ya say? Should we start on the paperwork?"

"Let me think about it. Hold it a day for me?" Ianto strokes the car.

"Because it's you." Adam says with a wink.

.

.

.

Janet is in the living room, watching TV when she sees her father cross through, dressed to go out.

"Dinner's in the warmer. Tell your Tad I may be late." Jack calls out.

"Where are you going?" Janet demands like she is the parent here.

"Out." Jack snaps and Janet gapes.

.

.

.

Jack is checking himself in the hall mirror. He looks up and down the hall then grabs one of his winter coats that looks like a World War II Great Coat, instead of the usual bomber jacket, then charges out.

Ianto is driving. Owen pulls a sheaf of pages out of his briefcase and hands them to him.

"Here's today's transcripts. There's nothing interesting." Owen assures him.

"Nothing from Adam?" Ianto asks and while driving with one eye on the road, Ianto riffles through the sheets. He glances at the top of the last couple of sheets. He scowls. Then he slams the drakes on. The car dives to the curb, bumping one wheel. Ianto gets out and charges around to Owen's side. Owen gets out, his expression carefully blank.

"Give me the page." Ianto demands

"What are you talking about?" Owen asks with wide eyes innocence.

"It skips from page nine to eleven. Where's page ten?" Ianto snarls.

"Aw, it's gotta be a typo" Owen reaches for the pages with a frown.

"Give me the fucking page!" Ianto screams as he hammers his fist against the car-window right next to Owen. It explodes in a shower of glass. Owen doesn't even blink.

"Okay. Here." Owen fishes it out of his inner pocket. Ianto grabs it from him, straightening it.

"Fuck Ianto! Seek help." Owen snarks as Ianto to read.

Jack. I need your help. Can you meet me tonight?" - CALLER ID WITHHELD

"What's happened?" - JACK HARKNESS JONES WORK PHONE

"It's serious. That's all I can say. Just meet me at our secret place. The one we agreed to if I'm compromised. At eight sharp." - CALLER ID WITHHELD

"You mean the bay side? I'll be there" - JACK HARKNESS JONES WORK PHONE

Ianto checks his watch. "Shit! It's almost eight."

He jumps back in the car and activates the GPS locator. Jack's Jacket blip flashes on the grid map.

"He's still at my house." Ianto declares to Owen.

"The jacket is still at the house." Owen groaned.

 


	12. Who do you work for?

Ianto growls and slams the car into gear, roaring out into traffic. Horns honk as he cuts off people. He is oblivious. He grabs at his blue tooth.

"Unit Two? Unit Seven?"

"Seven here." Tosh answers.

"This is Two." Mary answers as well.

"Immediate roll. Acquire subject at bay side. Vehicle is red-and-white convertible. Inputting plate now. You have six minutes." Ianto barks as he negotiates traffic.

"Roger, One. Rolling." Came back and then the other unit "Copy that."

"Wait a minute! Are you out of your mind? You can't pull agents off a priority surveillance to follow your husband! Its gross misappropriation of Sector's resources, it's... it's a breach of galactic security." Owen warns but Ianto drives on, ignoring him. Owen grabs his shoulder, shaking him.

"You copy, Ianto? This is too far. You're losing it big-time. I have to stop you." Owen snarls and Ianto snorts.

"What ya going to do? Tell Mommy?" Ianto sneers.

"God damn it, Ianto. This is our arses. So your life is in the toilet. So your man is banging a used car salesman. Sure it's humiliating. But be a man here" Owen begs.

"You tell on me, I tell on you." Ianto sing-songed as he drove maniacally towards Mermaid Bay.

"What do mean? I'm clean as a preacher's sheets, babe. Clean as a…" Owen preens and Ianto interrupts him.

"What about that time you trashed a six-week operation because you were busy getting a blow-job?" Ianto reminds him and Owen gapes.

"You know about that?" Owen finally splutters

Ianto turns to him. His death glare could kill Darth Vader. Owen gives a shrug as he remembers that Ianto knows everything.

"Take a right, it's quicker." Owen suggests and Ianto makes the turn, with squealing tyres.

"You don't have any pictures though, do ya? Huh?" Owen whines.

.

.

.

Jack pulls his car over by the water. He checks his watch and sees that his hand is shaking. He looks around and the place seems deserted then headlights flash briefly in the shadows.

A red-and-white Vette emerges from the darkness and pulls up with Adam waving for him to get in quickly.

Mary lowers the night scope and taps her Bluetooth before starting the car to follow. "Two here. Subject is southbound. Two men in the vehicle."

"Roger two." Ianto's voice purrs in her ear.

Adam makes a show of checking the mirrors. "Now don't be alarmed... but if I'm spotted, it would be best if they don't see you. You should keep your head down until we're out of the city."

He pushes Jack's head down onto his lap. Jack crouches there, with his cheek against Adam's thigh. He's cruising along, loving it.

Owen is trying to watch the computerized city map on the screen, but Ianto keeps cornering so fast he loses his place.

"The passenger has his head in the guy's lap." Mary reports and Ianto is growling softly into the darkness.

"Roger, two. One to Condor, do you have visual?" Ianto barks.

The Vette crests over the brow of a hill as it speeds away from Cardiff. A moment later a helicopter rises up behind them and it follows the Vette.

"This is Condor. We have the ball, repeat... we have a good lock-up on I.R." the radio informs Ianto with the sound of the chopper heard in the background. "Shit is that a blow-job?"

The headlights of the Vette light up a shitty mobile home, on the outskirts of a holiday park off the highway. Adam and Jack get out of the car.

"My place in the city is too hot right now. So is the penthouse in London. But this place is secure." Adam explains as he ushers Jack inside.

Jack feels awkward in the small, junky space. A tape deck is playing Otis Redding. Adam hands him a glass of cheap wine. He clinks their glasses.

"To our assignment." Adam smiles.

"What is it you need me to do?" Jack takes a sip and tries to hide a grimace.

Jack, I want you to be my husband." Adam declares.

"I'm married!" Jack barks, leaning away from grabbing hands.

"Just for the operation in Paris. I need to be married. They'll be looking for a man traveling alone." Adam hastily tells Jack who widens his eyes with surprise.

"We're going to Paris?" Jack splutters and takes another sip without thinking.

"Jack, there's a double agent in my outfit... I don't know who. There's no one I can trust. Except you. Can you get away?" Adam scuttles forward to lean against Jack "Just for two days."

"I don't know. I have to think..." Jack's head is spinning as he tries to take stock of this strange request.

"Here. Sit down. Be comfortable." Adam moves clothes and magazines off the bed. Jack sits down and Adam tops off his glass from the wine bottle.

The agents have gathered behind a billboard. Ianto, Owen and the other three agents have dressed ninja style in back. They finish fitting battle-harnesses, then they grab black ski- masks. They don them in perfect unison. Commando precision. Ianto leads off and they quick-time march from behind the billboard, closing in on Adam's trailer.

Jack looks up at Adam and nods slowly. "Okay. I'll do it."

Adam slides over and sits next to him, taking his hand.

"You are incredibly brave. I have to remind myself the fear you must be feeling. I've lived like this for years, so I'm used to it. Every day when I get up, I think it might be my last. But it makes you appreciate life. And the moment. Because that may be all you have." Adam murmurs as he moves a little closer. Casting his spell.

"To pull this cover story off, we have to look exactly like two people who are intimate with each other. The enemy can spot a fake easily." Adam croons as he puts his hand on Jack's knee who tenses up instantly.

"You see what I mean?" Adam growls, "That reaction would give us away in a second. Try to relax."

"It's just that... it's been sixteen years since anyone but Ianto did that, I—"Jack tries to control his heartbeat as he swallows nervously.

"Relax. There, that's better. Let yourself slip into the role." Adam soothes as he puts his other arm around Jack's shoulders and pulls him slowly into a kiss. Jack finds herself not pulling away as he gives in to the dream-like moment. Adam lowers him slowly until they are lying together on the bed.

"There you go. That's right..." Adam moans into Jack's throat as he slides his hand up Jack's thigh. The fingers, stroking in little circles, slips under his shirt. And—

Jack suddenly reacts, pushing on Adam's chest, forcing him up off him.

"NO! Stop!" Jack cries but Adam persists with another kiss "Get off me RIGHT NOW!"

Adam struggles with Jack as he pushes him to a standing position. Jack sits up on the bed, straightening his clothes.

Adam looks pitiful and pathetic. Now he's going to try pleading, "If not for me, do it for democracy."

KABOOM! The back wall of the trailer is blown outward by tiny laser-charges. The concussion throws Adam forward on top of Jack. Five black ninjas swarm in, carrying guns and flashlights.

Lit by the beam of the flashlight, Ianto sees Adam on top of his husband, Jack's knees up on either side of his hips. It looks bad. Adam and Jack still stunned. They look like two deer in the headlights. Adam screams like a girl.

Five demonic figures, backlit by the search light from a helicopter. Smoke and dust swirling in the rotor-wash. The figures lunge toward them, grabbing them both. Jack struggles fiercely as Owen in disguise pulls him from the bed.

Ianto drags Adam to his feet by his hair.

Owen comes out first with Jack who starts to fight like a monster. Spitting and snarling as Ianto looks on with wide eyes. _Wow!_

Jack whips around, kneeing Owen right in the balls. Owen squeals and doubles over, and Jack breaks for it.

Ianto leaves a simpering Adam with the other agents and runs after Jack who sprints through the trees, Ianto racing after him. Finally Ianto grabs him and gets Jack in a headlock. Jack snarls and bites the hell out of his arm. Ianto yells and lets him go, just as- Tosh runs up and matter-of-factly clocks him on the head with his weapon. Standard operating procedure. Which is why she can't understand why Ianto slaps her, knocking her over.

Ianto supports a dazed Jack, gesturing sharply to the other agents silently to make his point as they make for the vehicles.

The door of an empty interrogation room with a single stool under a light, and a large two-way mirror. The door opens and Jack is escorted in by

Ninja-Tosh. Jack has a black hood over his head. Tosh undoes the handcuffs, then leaves quickly.

Jack whips the hood off and blinks in the light. He swings at the sound of the door locking and runs to it, pulling on the handle, without effect. He crosses to the mirror and stares at his reflection, trying to see if anyone is there on the other side.

Ianto and Owen in silhouette, sit at a console. Ianto speaks into a microphone.

"Sit down." A cold mechanical voice orders Jack in the room.

"I said SIT DOWN." The robot voice yells and Jack sinks into a chair.

"Who do you work for?"

"Williams, Barnes and McGrath." Jack says as calmly as he can, "I'm a legal secretary."

Of course. Mr Harkness Jones. And what were you going with the international terrorist, Carlos the Jackal? Taking dictation?"

"He said he was an American agent." Jack snaps, looking around the room nervously.

"How long have you been a member of his faction?"

"I don't know anything about a faction. I just met Adam... or whatever his name is... a couple of weeks ago. I barely know him." Jack defends himself.

"That's not what it looked like when we found you." The voice is a little bit more excited as Owen grabs the mic off Ianto who glares at him, snatching it back.

"How did you meet him?"


	13. Only one Solution

**Two weeks earlier** … Jack is sitting at table at a mall near where he works, having a cappuccino and a croissant.

Adam appears behind him, sort of stalking up to him. He approaches quickly the last few steps and slips into the seat next to him. His manner is furtive. He keeps looking around, as if for hidden assassins. He hands Jack a briefcase.

"Keep this for me. I can't afford to be taken with it. National security is at stake. I'll contact you if a can. Okay? Oh shit" he spots something over Jack's shoulder and dashes off the other way.

Jack walks back to her office building, carrying the briefcase looking over his shoulder.

He has the briefcase on his desk while he works. He keeps glancing at it as he works. Finally he leans over it and starts picking the lock with a paper clip. It's easier than he thought is should be and he opens the case. He gasps.

A tiny camera, some loose tapes, some circuit diagrams, some transcripts that look like gibberish, some street maps of Beirut, Rome and Berlin, and a Webley. Jack closes the case with a gulp.

.

.

.

Jack shrugs, finishing up his story to the empty room. "I should have gone to the police, I suppose."

"But you didn't. Why not?"

"I don't know. I guess..." Jack struggles with his thoughts, "I wanted to see what would happen."

"What did happen?"

"Three days later, he called me." Jack sighed, "He told me to meet him at Bute Park."

.

.

.

Jack is sitting on a park bench when Adam appears, sitting beside him. Jack hands him the briefcase.

"Thank you. You saved my life." Adam gushes, "What's your name?"

"Jack"

"You can call me Adam," Adam informs Jack with a pat on his knee. "You're very brave to do this. You opened it?"

"I just glanced inside." Jack admits, concern in his face.

"Then you know." Adam sighs.

.

.

.

Ianto shakes his head and rubs his eyes, picturing the whole thing as he listens to Jack's story.

"Why did you continue to see him?" Ianto finally asks.

"He needed my help." Jack answers.

"Not because you were attracted to him?"

"No." Jack scoffs.

"You weren't attracted to him at all?" Owen's higher pitched robot voice asks.

"Well, maybe a little." Jack admits.

"Is this a common thing for you?" Owen asks, making his sneer obvious even with the robot voice, "Cheating?"

"No! Never!" Jack is outraged at the suggestion of cheating on Ianto.

"So, it was your first time."

"I wasn't cheating!" Jack insists, his anger showing.

"Tell me about your husband, Mr Harkness Jones."

"Ianto? What can I say about Ianto? He's a sales rep for a computer company." Jack shifts in the chair, concerned for Ianto now.

"Would you say he was boring, then?" Ianto asks pointedly.

"Yeah. I suppose he is." Jack shrugs.

So sex with him isn't exactly making your flag wave anymore." Owen crows and Ianto thumps him on the shoulder. Signals with a scowl for him to stay out of it. Owen smirks.

"That's none of your goddamn business!" Jack bristles, "what kind of questions are these?"

"You're in a lot of trouble, Mr Harkness Jones, so I suggest you cooperate. If we want to know the most intimate details of your life, you'd better tell us."

Jack glares at the mirror. His hands are clenched into fists and he hates it that they can probably see he is afraid.

"My husband is a good man." Jack snarked at the mirror.

"But he's not exactly ringing your bell lately, right? I mean—"Owen crows and Ianto mutes the mic as he glares at Owen.

"Let me handle this part. Do you mind?" Ianto hissed.

"Why did you go to Dickhead's hideout?" Owen asked while poking his tongue at Ianto.

"He wanted me to go with him on a mission, to pose as his husband."

"And you agreed?" Jack scoffed.

"Yes." Jack sighed, face palming.

"Why?" Ianto begged.

"I don't know. I guess I needed something..." Jack struggled for an explanation that he himself might understand.

"What did you need?" Ianto leaned forward expectantly.

"I needed to feel alive. I wanted to do something... outrageous. And... I don't know... it felt good to be needed. To be trusted. To be special." Jack says even as he sighs at his own pathetic life.

"There's so much I wanted to do in this life, and it's like I haven't done any of it. And the sand's running out of the hourglass, I'm not immortal you know. I want to be able to look back and say: See! I did that. It was wild and it was irresponsible and outrageous and I fucking did it!" Jack straightens up and looks at his reflection, "And I frankly don't give a shit if you understand this or not."

Owen looks at Ianto, eyebrows raised. Whew! Ianto is studying his husband like he's some fantastic new alien species.

"This Adam. Did you sleep with him?" Ianto asks nervously.

"No." Jack snorts.

"He's lying." Owen hissed.

"You didn't have sexual relations with him?" Ianto repeated as Owen shook his head.

"Look, if you ask me everything twice, this is going to take a really long time. And I have to get home to my family." Jack snarls.

"You're not going anywhere." Owen snarls back.

Jack loses it. It is fury and fear, "Let me out of here! Right now!"

"Answer the question" Owen repeats.

Jack picks up the stool and runs toward the mirror, swinging it with all his might. It bounces off meaninglessly.

"I didn't sleep with him!" Jack roars as he slams a fist at the mirror "You hear me, you chicken-shit bastards"

WHAM! He hits the mirror again.

"Everyone tries. It's unbreakable." Owen snorts to Jack with his arms folded.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! The mirror suddenly stars from side to side with huge cracks. He's about to beat his way through it.

"He could be telling the truth." Owen says as he nervously moves back.

"Wait! Calm down. There is only one more question." Ianto begs.

Jack drops the stool. He stands there panting as he waits for the question. "What?"

"Do you still love your husband?"

"Yes." Jack says softly.

"Louder please." Owen demands.

"I love him. I have always loved him and I will always love him." Jack face palms "Can I go home, please?"

"Now what?" Owen demands of Ianto who thinks for a moment, then reaches for the mic.

"There is only one solution to your problem, Mr Harkness Jones. You must work for us."


	14. Boris and ....

"Oh shit. Ianto... what're you doing?" Owen hisses with horror.

"I'm giving him an assignment." Ianto rolls his eyes.

"I am offering you a choice. If you work for us we will drop the charges and you can go back to your normal life. If not, you will go to prison, and your husband and daughter will be left disgraced and alone. Your life will be destroyed." Ianto says and Owen leans forward excitedly watching Ianto think on his feet.

"Oh, wow thanks. Um, let me see—"Jack pretends to think about it.

"Yes or no." Ianto demands and Jack snaps.

"What do you think? Of course yes! What's involved?" Jack roars, at the end of his tether.

You will be contacted with the assignment."

"My husband can't know about this." Jack cautioned.

"No one must know! Especially him. You must appear to live your life normally, showing nothing. The security of this planet depends on it. Can you do that?" Ianto asks smacking Owen for giggling.

"I think so." Jack nods.

"Think carefully. You will be lying to the man you love. The person who trusts you the most." Ianto warns and Jack frowns.

"I can do it!" Jack snorts.

"The code name of your contact will be Boris. Your code name will be—"

"Natasha?" Jack asks sarcastically.

"No. Doris."

Jack screws his face up at the insult.

.

.

.

The unit-seven van pulls up in the spooky shadows under the bridge, stopping next to Jack's red Accord. The door slides open and Jack gets out. He is wearing a hood, which is whisked off by one of the black gloved hands. He spins around in time to see the door slide shut and the van speed off.

"Wankers" he screams at the retreating brake lights.

The van pulls up by the Millennium Centre. The door opens and Adam is pushed out, followed by Ianto, who is in his black jumpsuit and wearing a ski-mask. Owen swaggers after Ianto as they climb to the roof. He guides Adam to the edge of a sheer drop. Ianto pulls off the hood and Adam takes in his surroundings.

Adam squeals like a little girl as he sees how close to the edge he is.

"You son of a bitch. Did you really think you could elude us forever, Carlos?" Ianto snarls.

"Wait! You got the wrong guy. My name's Adam. Look, just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your…" Ianto removes his mask "…face. Shit! Shit!"

Adam squeezes his eyes shut and won't look at Ianto. Then it dawns... He looks up, brightening hopefully. "It's you! Hey, you still interested in that Vette at all?"

"You can drop it now, Carlos. The game is over. Your career as an inter-galactic terrorist is too well documented."

"No... I sell cars. That's all! Not even foreign cars. Nothing international, I swear. I'm no terrorist. Everything I said was a lie... you have to believe me." Adam is crying as he begs, "I'm actually a complete coward. If I ever even saw a gun I'd…"

Ianto pulls his pistol out in one liquid motion and snaps the muzzle right in front of Adam's eyes.

"…faint. Aahhh! Don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm cum on a whore's dress. I have to lie to women to get laid. And I don't score much. It's pathetic." Adam looks down at himself and whines, "See, look... would a spy piss himself?"

Ianto is finally disgusted by his begging. He pulls Adam away from the edge, then gestures with his gun. "Beat it."

"No. Soon as I turn you'll shoot me." Adam whimpers, backing away with fear.

Ianto starts back to the transport. Adam walks alongside still begging "Please don't. You can have the car for free!"

"Take off, dipshit!" Owen pushes Adam back and Ianto calmly shoots several times into the ground by Adam's feet, forcing him to dance backward like a western. The two agents get into the van and tear off in a cloud of dust. Leaving Adam alone in the moonlight.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Next morning and Owen drives while Ianto watches the PDA screen.

"We should pick up visual at the next light." Ianto tells Owen as they cruise along.

The scrambler phone in Ianto's briefcase rings. He picks it up. "

Morning, boss."

"Ianto, this report on last night's operation is the thinnest piece of crap I've ever seen from you. I'm sure you won't mind giving me a little more detail on why all these assets were deployed." Suzie asks down the phone and Ianto cringes.

"Absolutely. But can it wait?" Ianto asks politely, "I'm on a critical surveillance right now."

Ianto spots something up ahead. He snaps his fingers and points, then whips a pair of alien-tech binoculars to his eyes.

Andy, on the Yamaha with Janet on the back, rides through the intersection up ahead. Janet cruises to the sound coming over her I-pod headphones as Andy shoots between cars. Owen makes the turn, pulling in behind them at a distance.

"Is there anything you want to tell me Ianto?" Suzie asks softly, obviously reading the report again.

"No. Not that I can think of." Ianto says with mock sincerity.

Ianto? You know we never fire anybody." Suzie snarls before breaking the connection.

Ianto stares into the distance for a moment, then returns his gaze to the PDA.

"We're dead, right? So..." Owen grimaces, "where'd you put the transmitter?"

"In her I-pod. It's the one thing I knew she'd be taking." Ianto answers as they continue to follow the two kids.

Ianto walks toward the closed warehouse doors, past Andy's parked Yamaha. We hear MUSIC from inside.

A garage band of teenagers, mostly older than Janet, are playing loudly. Janet has the microphone, belting out a song.

Ianto watches from the shadows, standing behind a pillar not far from the stage. Watching his daughter gyrating in the spotlight. His reaction is hard to read.

After a few minutes he gives a signal and the stage is plunged into darkness and the music stops. Before the band members can react, they hear the big metal doors rolling and sunlight blazes in. Janet shields her eyes against the glare and seeing an ominous silhouette standing there. The shadowy figure walks toward them.

"You! Come with me." A voice roars with a welsh lit and to her horror is turns out to be her Tad. Her heart stops.

"Oh my Gooooood." Janet whispers as her Taddy stalks over to her, grabbing her by by the arm. He takes her outside to some industrial junk nearby, overgrown with weeds, and sits her down for a talk.

She is hostile, still humiliated from getting dragged out in front of her friends.

"There are going to be some changes Jan. You're going to start following some rules. And I'm going to be there to see that you do." Ianto informs her.

"Yeah, right." She huffs.

"You're going to stay in school." Ianto says solemnly, "Do you understand?"

"Why? So I can wind up like you?" Janet frowns, "What's the point?"

Ianto rears back like he's going to go off on one but instead he smiles. He pushes the hair back from her face.

"Did I tell you about the time we first met?" he says softly and Janet looks up with surprise.

"You were quite young at the time. All wet and still attached to your birth mother by a cord. You opened your eyes and looked right at me. And I knew then I would always love you with all my heart." Ianto reaches for her hand and squeezes.

Janet stares at her Tad with a dawning awareness. This is not just some shit that she has to put up with. This is her Taddy. He is a part of her. No matter what happens they are in this thing together. Tears start to run down her cheeks.

"Somewhere along the way I got lost, Cariad. I forgot about what was really important. I'm sorry baby- I mean" Ianto stops speaking as Janet launches herself into his arms for a fierce hug.

Janet, regarding this singing" Ianto sighs and she is suddenly wary. Oh shit.

"You were pretty good." Ianto admits with a smile.

Janet sits wedged into the front seat between the two men. They are all singing raucously loud, with the windows down. Ianto pulls the car to the curb in front of Janet's school.

"Taddy, how come you know the words?" she asks as she exits the car.

Cariad that song came out when I was exactly your age. It's a classic" Ianto laughs with a shake of his head.

"Unbelievable!" Janet roars with rage, "Andy told me he wrote it. He's history."

 

 

**Although this scene was cut from the movie, I loved the idea of it so I've put it back. So there!**

 


	15. Dance for me

Harkness Jones dinner. Jack is avoiding Ianto's eyes. Ianto looks over at Janet and she gives him a tiny smile. Then she rises from her half-finished dinner and heads out of the kitchen calling over her shoulder, "Finished."

"Where are you off to young lady?" Ianto asks softly.

"I have a book report Taddy." She answers with a smile as she disappears upstairs.

Jack watches her go. That's strange.

"So last night was pretty exciting, huh?" Ianto says casually as he reaches for more salt.

"What?" Jack says nervously looking at his husband with wide eyes before he recovers his neutral expression, "Oh, the flat tire? Yeah, I thought the damn tow truck was never going to get there."

The phone rings and Jack forces himself to walk to it calmly and picks up, "Hello?"

"Doris?"

"Oh. Yes?" Jack turns his back to Ianto as he answers.

"Listen carefully. Go to the Hotel Hilton in one hour. Pick up an envelope marked Doris at the front desk. And dress sexy." Owen is enjoying this.

"What?" Jack splutters with confusion.

"Get going!"

(CLICK)

"Uh... well, okay then. You sound terrible." Jack talks animatedly to the ring tone, "I'll run out right now. Just call the prescription in to the pharmacy. Sure, no problem. Bye."

Ianto smirks, listening to him lie. He's good. The smirk drops as he turns.

"Alice is sick in bed. I have to go over there, honey." Jack says with a sigh.

"Sure, Cariad." Ianto smiles, taking another bite of chicken.

Jack walks unhurriedly out of the room. Behind his back, Ianto is grinning. The second Jack is out of his sight line, he runs up the stairs. Ianto waits a moment then picks up the phone.

Owen is in a corner of the electronics lab, in an area dedicated to audio. The phone in his briefcase rings. Owen answers.

"You've reached a new low with this one. I can't believe you're crazy enough to use the room at the Hilton." Owen crows.

"Why not? You think I can afford a suite like that on my salary?" Ianto snarks back, "Is Jean-Claude done yet? "

Owen looks over at a nearby booth where a French agent is doing voice recording from a hand-written page.

"Not quite." Owen grins.

.

.

.

A big luxury hotel downtown, with an opulent lobby. Jack enters, looking different than we have ever seen him. He has been commanded to be sexy, and he is. His black slinky trousers hug his butt and his leather bomber jacket is tailored to show his curved waist. Now he looks stylish and hot. Playing the role.

He goes to the front desk and signals the manager, "Do you have an envelope for Doris?"

The man nods. Saying nothing, he reaches under the counter and hands him the envelope. He opens it as he walks across the lobby. In contains a room key, a small bugging device, and a phone number.

As Jack finishes dialling the number he scans the lobby as the phone rings-

"Listen. You are a prostitute named Michael. Go to the room. A man will be there. He is a suspected arms dealer." Owen sniggers in his altered voice.

"Do I have to... you know-?" Jack swallows nervously.

"No. He has particular tastes. He likes to watch. You will say his regular guy, Carl, is sick. If he likes you, he will tell you what to do. You must plant the bug near the telephone, by the bed, before you leave. If you do not accomplish your mission, the deal is off."

Jack places the small bugging device inside his cheek and straightens his shoulders. Game on!

Jack exits an elevator and walks down the long hallway toward the suite. He stops by a mirror and checks his reflection. With a furtive glance each way, he unbuttons his jacket and we see the flash of a tight black corset with red ribbons. Suddenly he remembers his wedding ring. He pulls on it. It hasn't been off in years. A replica of Ianto's, it's a plain gold band with a single diamond. He sucks his finger and twists it off. He changes it to his right hand and turns the modest diamond around so it's hidden. Reading the number off the key, he goes to the room and unlocks the door.

He hesitantly enters. The suite is dark, large and richly furnished, with a breath taking view of the city. It is the room Ianto was using, posing as Harper. A voice comes from the next room.

"In here." Says a French accented deep voice.

He goes into the bedroom. There is a dark figure sitting in a chair, just a silhouette.

"Step into the light." The drapes on one side are closed, shadowing the man, but open on the other just enough to let in a beam of moonlight. He steps forward into it.

Behind the arm of the chair Ianto manipulates the pause button on the I-pod.

"I'm Michael. Carl's sick. He thought you might like me, so…" Jack shrugs.

Silencing Jack gently with a hiss. He silently clicks the play button.

"Let me do the talking. You are very pretty. You may start by unzipping your jacket.

PAUSE. He starts to yank the zipper down.

"No no. Do it slowly. Very slowly."

Jack draws the zipper down languorously, revealing his corset.

"Now slip the jacket down...slowly."

Jack is starting to get into the ritual. He lets the jacket slip off his shoulders. It slides down his arms to swing on one wrist. He flings it to one side and stands in a hero pose.

"That's good. Now the pants."

The game continues as he strips slowly he puts his clothes on the bed near the phone.

"Now turn, Cheri, in the moonlight. Let your body flow like water." He turns. He is beautiful in the silvery light.

"Now dance for me. Go on." Ianto starts sexy music on the I-pod and sits up straighter.

Jack has no idea what to do, but he improvises quite well. The examination of the shadowed man, who is fully clothed, and his raw defencelessness are a powerfully erotic combination.

"Let your hands be a lover's hands on your own skin as you move. Yes, that's it."

Ianto studies his husband. His game, meant to give Jack a dangerous fantasy, is actually turning him on. He is amazed to see him playing the role, getting into it. This is not the Jack he thought he knew for sixteen years.

Jack is using the post of the four poster bed like a stripper pole, grinding raunchily against it. His hips undulate and Ianto swallows a groan of lust. The corset is gorgeous and so is Jack.

"Now, lie on the bed and close your eyes."

Jack does. Ianto rises and goes to stand over him.

"Keep them closed. Do not open them."

He sits on the bed, next to him, but without touching. He strokes his hair, lovingly. Then runs his fingertips over his eyes, down his cheeks. To Jack it feels delicate and dangerous, he is enjoying this a lot. But Jack is torn between wanting to fight back and knowing that nothing the man has done so far is enough to cause him to abort the mission.

"I thought you only liked to watch." Jack breathes shakily.

Ianto hushes him. It's all he can do. He bends over Jack and touches his lips to Jack's so slowly that he barely knows he is kissing him. Then he takes Jack in a passionate kiss.

Jack grabs the lamp on the bedside table and swings it at Ianto's head, he flies off onto the floor, groaning and semi-conscious.

Jack turns on the light and grabs his clothes, starting to dress rapidly. He still doesn't recognize Ianto, who is face down. He groans and starts to rise. He kicks him in the ribs and finishes putting his pants on. He sticks the bug from his mouth, under the night table and grabs his shoes. Mission accomplished, motherfuckers.

Ianto grabs his ankle. He raises one shoe to whack him again, and sees who it is. Freeze frame. Total shock. He can't even comprehend what he is looking at.

"Ianto?"

Suddenly the door lock is shattered by tremendous force and armed men burst into the room. Ianto recognizes them as workers from Gwen's warehouse. They are wielding pistols and are clearly part of the terrorist brigade.

Ianto is still groggy, and he doesn't want to start anything with Jack there, and risk him getting shot. He complies as they pull him up to his feet.

He's got nothing to do with this. It's me you want, right?" Jack says quickly, trying to protect his husband.

"Let the hooker go. He's not important." Ianto murmurs trying to clear his head.

Ianto, be quiet. Let me handle this." Jack snaps with anger. Why are they taking Ianto? How did they get him involved in this?

"Shut up, both of you." One of the men barks.

The aliens have handcuffed Ianto's hands behind his back. The leader gestures to one of the men to bring Jack along. They are dragged roughly out of the room with muzzles stuck in their ribs.

They are dragged down the fire-escape stairs. As Jack struggles to make them understand that Ianto is just collateral damage from his affair.

"Listen, you don't need him, he's nothing. He's a sales rep for a computer company, really…" an alien cuffs him across the head to shut him up.

"That was unnecessary." Jack snarls still watching Ianto who is struggling to keep up with his head bleeding.

"What were you doing there?" Jack hisses at Ianto as they move through the underground carpark.

"You wouldn't believe me." Ianto whispers.

A gun muzzle is jammed hard behind Jack's ear. "Talk again, I kill you."


	16. Leave him out of this

The van pulls up to a G-3 Jet warming up outside a private hanger. The van doors open and the hostages are brought out. Ianto sees a long black limo pulling up behind the van. The driver, an enormous man, hurries to open the passenger door. A slender pair of ankles emerge, followed by the rest of Gwen Cooper, looking devastatingly beautiful but now quite ominous.

To Jack it is like a living James Bond film, with the jet, the limo, the terrorists, and now an exotic femme fatale, dressed to kill, approaching them.

"Hello, Ianto." She says with a soft smile.

"Gwen. I wish I could say it's a pleasure to see you again," Ianto nods politely.

"You know her?" Jack gapes at his husband.

Gwen signals with her eyes and the aliens march the prisoners toward the plane.

"Who's your little friend?" Gwen purrs to Ianto who is still stumbling.

I'm Jack Harkness-Jones. Ianto's my husband. And you are?" Jack snarks as he watches her hand on Ianto's arm.

"So now it's Harkness-Jones? Not Harper?" Gwen raises an eyebrow and Ianto snorts with a shrug.

They enter the luxurious passenger cabin of the plane. Jack has never seen anything like this.

"Look, Ianto's not part of this. He's just a sales rep." Jack is getting worried as Ianto's head lolls slightly with the concussion.

"No, my dear, he is a galactic agent. He killed two of my colleagues the other night." Gwen laughs as she leans over to pat Ianto's thigh.

"No, you don't understand, we've been married for 15 years…" Jack argues but Ianto cuts him off as he shakes off his fugue.

Look, Gwen, this is just some whacko hooker I met in the bar." Ianto tells Gwen with wide eyed innocence.

The Aliens push them into seats and strap them in.

"Ianto, what's the matter with you? Tell them the truth. We're married, we have a daughter!" Jack glares at Ianto who is clearly out of his gourd.

"Look, I don't know what this crazy prick is on. You should just cut him loose, so we can get down to business." Ianto looks at Gwen and smiles encouragingly.

"Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Then where did I get this?" Jack opened his wallet and flips it open, showing it to Gwen.

Gwen grabs the wallet and stares at the Christmas pose of the happy family. Ianto groans softly as Jack fucks up his only chance at getting him out of this.

"Something before take-off?" Gwen waves her hand and an alien casually shoots Jack with a stun gun.

"He was telling the truth, wasn't he Ianto? He really doesn't know. Interesting." Gwen purrs, then nods at the alien who zaps Ianto. He slides into unconsciousness as the plane engines begin to SCREAM.

The G-3 lifts into the night sky, turning south.

A yacht is tied up to a half-crumbling pier. Next to the pier is a decrepit corrugated-metal warehouse building, two stories high. There are floodlights on the dock but beyond is black night, with the ghostly shapes of mangroves and palms. It is an abandoned facility on what appears to be a tiny island in the bay.

There is a lot of activity. Three Harwood's Haulage rental trucks are parked by the warehouse, as well as some other vehicles. About thirty men, clearly aliens are busy at various activities. Many of them carry laser assault rifles.

Malik is supervising them as they finish unloading a tarp-covered object about 15 feet high from the ship. A rusting crane trundles it into the warehouse. Malik looks up as a chopper thunders toward them over the black Mermaid Bay water.

The helicopter lands and Gwen steps down from the front door. The sliding door is opened and the others pull a groggy Jack and Ianto out of the aircraft. They are covered by hoods.

Malik walks up to them and pulls their hoods off. Ianto takes in his surroundings and looks back into the eyes of Malik. Deadly energy flows between them.

"Who is this man?" Malik points to a shaky Jack.

His husband." She preens and Malik's eyes widen as he realises the leverage here.

"His husband? Good. Bring them."

.

.

.

Malik leads the group into the warehouse, where brilliant floodlights illuminate three large statues, lined up in the middle of the space. The tarp is removes from the object they just unloaded, revealing a fourth statue that matches the first three. The figures are cracked and obscured by centuries, but they are unmistakably warriors mounted on horseback. The legs and arms are missing on some, but the massive heads and necks remain.

"Incredible, aren't they? Warrior figures from the Persias. I call them "The Four Horsemen". Gwen speaks as she approaches the nearest figure, caressing its flank. A man with a laser gun steps up to her.

"They're absolutely priceless." She shrugs and nods to the man with the laser. He blasts right into the body of one of the Horseman, destroying it. Stone fragments fall away, revealing a cavity cut with great precision inside the figure.

Inside is a metal cylinder. Four aliens struggle to pull it out and set it on the ground. It is six feet long and looks like a coffin. Malik steps up to it, his eyes glistening. A hush has fallen over the group.

"Open it." Malik demands and the latches are released and the lid lifted. Inside is machined metal object, roughly conical, about five feet long. Malik signals to Ianto to step closer and look.

"Do you know what this is?" Malik demands, pointing at the alien device.

"Can you give me a clue? It could be a water heater for all I know." Ianto says blandly.

Malik grabs Jack, jerking him roughly forward. He whips out a knife and inserts the point under Jack's jaw, forcing his head back and drawing blood.

"Do you know why you have been brought here?" he demands of Jack who stammers that he doesn't know.

"So that this man can verify to the world that Crimson Tarians is now a Galactic power." He snarls into Jack's face then turns to Ianto.

"How can Ianto do that? He's a salesman for Christ sakes." Jack gasps as he tries to keep eye contact with Ianto in the hopes that it helps comfort him. God, he must be terrified by this mess they are in.

"If we were wrong about him then the last thing you see will be your arterial blood spraying in his face.

Ianto steps forward, his face grim. "This is a Sontarian MIRV-Six, from an SS-22N launch ship. The warhead contains 14.5 kilos of enriched uranic crystals, with a sonic trigger. The nominal yield is 10 kilotons."

"Release him and I'll cooperate." Ianto demands in flawless Galactic Standard.

Malik lowers the knife from Jack's jaw. He turns away from him like he has ceased to exist and yells at the aliens to remove the other weapons. Lasers melt the stone figures.

Jack is just staring at Ianto, his mouth open. Ianto turns to him, not knowing what to say. He shrugs sheepishly. "What can I say? I'm a galactic-spy."

Jack just looks at him for a long time. He moves closer, letting it sink in. Then he hauls off and slugs him right in the jaw so hard is almost knocks him down.

"You bastard! You lying son of a bitch!" Jack roars as the alien terrorists grabs him and restrain him. He starts to hitch his breath as he rages.

"I'm sorry, honey." Ianto whines.

"Don't call me honey! You don't ever get to call me honey again. You understand?! You fucker!" Jack spits at him.

Gwen looks at them both and laughs. She offers Jack a tissue. "Here you go, handsome."

Nearby, an alien is going through the contents of their wallets and Jacket pockets. He rips open the bottom stitching of Jack's jacket and pulls out the geo-positioning transmitter.

"Abu! Look at this!" he calls, shaking it in his hand.

Malik looks at the tracker and then smashes it to the floor. Jack looks at the crushed transmitter. He stares at Ianto with dawning realization.

"You bugged me?!" Jack splutters as Gwen giggled into her hands.

The jet has become a mobile tactical-command centre, with Owen, Tosh, and several other agents working out of portable equipment cases. Tosh looks up from a computer screen suddenly, "We've lost the signal."

Owen, who has been pacing the aisle whirls to the screen. "Son of a bitch! Where?"

"It's an island in the river?" Tosh shrugs.

Owen goes up to the cockpit. They are on approach and the lights of London fill the front window.

"London TCA, we are on final." The captain calmly informs the airport as they bank.

"Call our DEA contact, tell him I want those choppers flight-ready the second we land." Owen snaps as he returns to his seat for landing.

.

.

.

Ianto is speaking directly into a camera, finishing up his message. "...and I can verify that they have the arming box and all equipment necessary to detonate the four Sontarian warheads. This is absolutely the real thing, gentlemen."

"The camera swings off Ianto to Malik, standing before the rest of the alien warriors, who are assembled behind the four bombs.

"You have killed our women and children, bombed our ships from afar like cowards, and dare to call us terrorists…" Malik declared to the camera with an imperious sniff. A LOW-BATTERY warning begins to flash.

As Malik speaks into the camera, which is held by one of his men. The alien is sweating, wondering if he should interrupt. He gulps nervously as Malik drones on.

"But now the Oppressed have been given a mighty sword, to strike back at their enemies." Malik smiles menacingly down the lens, "Unless the UN pulls all military forces out of un-allied space, immediately and forever, Crimson Tarians will rain fire on one major earth city each week until these demands are met..." the battery warning flashes faster.

"First one weapon will be detonated on this uninhabited island as a demonstration of Crimson Tarians' power and our willingness to be humanitarian. However, if these demands are not…" In a burst of static the image goes black.

The cameraman nervously lowers the camera, ashen faced. Malik's eyes are black with murder.

"Battery, Abu."

"Get another one, you moron!" he snarls incredulously.

Nearby in a filthy, crumbling cinderblock building a few bare light bulbs with bugs zipping around them, Ianto and Jack brought in by two Aliens. Gwen follows then into the bleak room. Guards shackle them to steel chairs with handcuffs.

A man enters the room carrying a small suitcase. He has skull-like features. He opens the suitcase and Ianto has a good view of the contents: medical instruments, needle-probes, drills, alien tech, Dremel tools with saw blades.

"This is Samir. See if you can guess his specialty." Gwen asks Ianto.

"Oral hygiene?" Ianto deadpans with a raised eyebrow.

"Not exactly." Gwen laughs.

"What's going on, Ianto?" Jack can't hide the fear in his voice.

"Samir is just going to ask Ianto a few questions. See, we're not even sure which agency he works for. Now, Samir is absolutely first class, but on the other hand we have Ianto here, who has managed to lie convincingly to the man he loves for what, 15 years? So it will be interesting to see how long he can resist." Gwen tells Jack like she's giving a lesson in a classroom.

"This will help." Samir says as he injects something into Ianto's arm with an alien looking piece of tech.

 


	17. I married Arnie!

"You know, you should swab that with alcohol. I might get an infection." Ianto says with fake horror.

"I'll return when this has taken effect. Then we'll talk." Samir smiles as he pats Ianto's arm.

"I'm looking forward to it." Ianto calls out as Samir exits.

"Why are you helping these raving psychotics?" Ianto asks Gwen who shrugs.

"Because they're very well-funded raving psychotics, and I'm getting a lot of money." She answers as she kneels down in front of Ianto, stroking his leg.

"You think I care about their cause? Or yours? Not at all. See, earth is on top now … but so was Andromeda, once. All civilizations crumble. One planet succeeding over another. What does it mean in the long run? The only important thing is to live well. And... Living well takes money." She smiles as Ianto stares at her long and hard.

"You're damaged goods, lady." Ianto slurred. The drugs are taking effect.

"Did you tell him about us, Ianto?" she flicks her head at Jack who is watching with silent rage.

"There is no us, you psychotic bitch." Ianto is blinking as he struggles to focus.

"Sure. Say that now." Gwen pouts as she puts her arms around him and kisses him passionately. She is looking at Jack to savour the effect. Jack is trembling with rage.

"Thanks for everything, Ianto. It was good while it lasted." Gwen crosses to the guard and takes a hand-grenade off his belt. Then she goes to Jack and places it between his knees. She pushes Jack's knees together to hold the handle against the grenade then pulls the pin.

"Now just keep your knees together, and you'll be fine." She tells Jack with a wink.

"Something you obviously have a hard time doing!" Jack snipes.

"Hold that thought." Gwen hisses as she leaves. Ianto looks dopily at Jack.

"There was nothing between us. I swear." Ianto slurs. Jack looks up from staring at the grenade, to see that Ianto's head has slumped forward.

"What did he give you?" Jack asks, afraid for his husband despite his anger.

"Sodium amytal, maybe some other truth agent." Ianto mutters, lolling his head to the side.

"It makes you tell the truth?" Jack asks.

"Yes."

"Is it working yet?" Jack asks, shuffling forward as he looks at the grenade.

"Ask me a question I would normally lie to." Ianto finally responds.

"Are we going to die?" Jack asks slowly.

"Yup." Ianto grins happily as he knows the answer.

"I'd say it's working." Jack sighs.

"They'll either torture us to death, shoot us in the head, or leave us until the bomb goes off." Ianto gaily tells Jack who gapes.

"Okay, okay. I get it. How long have you been a spy, Ianto?" Jack tried another tactic.

"17 years." Ianto sighs.

"My God. Have you had to... have sex with other men or women in the line of duty?" Jack tries to sound interested, not angry.

"I don't take those assignments." Ianto snorts.

"What about Gwen?" Jack looks for a reaction from Ianto.

"She's really a fox, isn't she?" Ianto giggles, looking up at the lights.

"Did you pork her Ianto?" Jack demands.

"No." Ianto scoffs, "But I wanted to."

"Are you a total lying, scum sucking pig Ianto?" Jack feels a traitorous tear fall as he sees his idyllic life slipping away.

"Looks that way." Ianto snorts, still examining the light fittings.

Malik pokes through their stuff on the table. He picks up Jack's wallet and opens it. A picture of Jack, Ianto and … Janet. Malik stares at it a moment. Then motions to one of his men.

Samir lifts Ianto's head and sees that he is pretty shitfaced.

"Is there anything you would like to tell me before we start?" Samir asks as he reaches for the gloves.

"Yes. I'm going to kill you pretty soon." Ianto smiles back.

"I see. How exactly?" Samir asks conversationally.

"Well, I thought I'd break your neck, then use you as a human shield, then kill the guard with that knife there on your table and take his gun." Ianto giggles as Samir approaches Ianto with a long steel needle probe.

"And what makes you think you can do all that?" Samir laughs.

"Because I picked the lock on these handcuffs" Ianto giggles again, he holds them up to show Samir. Then he explodes out of the chair- Breaks the torturer's neck- Spins him between himself and the guard- Who then hesitates to fire- Giving Ianto the split second he needs to grab the knife from the table and throw it into the guard's eye, killing him instantly.

Jack is stunned. Wow. It only took a few seconds for Ianto to reverse the situation. He picks up the guard's 9mm pistol and staggers over to Jack.

"Don't move." Ianto stammers as he kneels down in front of him. Gently he slips his hands between Jack's thighs, getting a grip on the grenade, then sliding his fingers slowly over the handle to hold it securely.

He stops moving, suddenly. Jack realizes with a sudden jolt of terror that he has frozen.

"What is it?" Jack whispers with wide eyed fear.

"God, you have a great bum" Ianto sighs.

"Ianto... snap out of it!" Jack snarls and is shocked to see how shitfaced he is. He holds the grenade up, gripped safely so the handle can't fly off.

"Go it, baby." He croons.

Ianto and Jack emerge from the building, creeping through the shadows. Jack stops him for a second. Gets very close to him, whispering, crouched in the shadows.

"Tell me something before this stuff wears off and you start lying again." Jack begs and Ianto smiles at his husband.

"What?" Ianto opens his arms wide to invite any question.

"Do you still love me?" Jack finally whispers.

"Yes." Ianto nods vigorously and nearly loses his balance.

"As much as you used to?" Jack hopes.

"No." Jack feels his heart start to shatter.

"Much more." Ianto finishes with a goofy grin.

She looks into his eyes, and knows he is telling the truth.

They hear yelling from the cinder-block building.

"They found the bodies. Come on" Ianto pulls Jack by the hand and they sprint for cover at the edge of the water.

Some aliens running around the corner, open fire just as Ianto and Jack reach the long grass. As two terrorists move through the trees, Ianto lunges from the shadows and grabs one from behind. He wrests his rifle away and swings it at the other, knocking his laser gun down. The first terrorist draws a knife and slashes at him, but Ianto grabs his knife arm and swings the blade into his partner. Then he elbow smashes the first guy and seizes him in a two-hand neck-breaker- SNAP.

Two more run around the corner of a building. Ianto stomps his foot down on one of the guns, which is lying across a log. It flips into the air and he catches it in firing position … and takes them out with two well-aimed bursts. Jack comes out of the shadows staring at Ianto in amazement. His shirt is ripped, he is scratched and bleeding, holding an alien rifle expertly and scanning the brush like a feral animal.

"I married Arnold Schwarzenegger." Jack huffs as he follows Ianto back into the flood lights.

One of the bombs has been lowered into a pit cut in the concrete floor. Malik and most of the aliens are gathered around it.

An alien on the catwalk, watches intently from the railing. So intently that he doesn't hear Ianto sneak up on him. Ianto expertly breaks his neck and catches the guard's pistol before it can hit the floor. He and Jack crouch behind a steel pillar, watching the proceedings below. Jack keeps glancing at the dead guard, killed so effortlessly a moment before by his husband. It is all surreal.

Below them, Malik is shouting in his native language. He pulls a chain from around his neck and holds up an arming key. Then jumps down into the pit and inserts it into the warhead's arming computer. Ianto is listening intently, translating for Jack.

"In ninety minutes a pillar of holy fire will rise at this place as a sign to our enemies." Malik declares as he turns the key, "It is done!"

Malik jumps out of the pit. He signals and terrorists pour concrete into the pit, covering the bomb. He begins ranting again.

Now no human can stop us. We are set on our course. No force can stop us..." Ianto rolls his eyes as he continues to translate, "... we're cool, we're badass, blah, blah."

Malik raises his fist and chants some Crimson Tarians slogans. The terrorists echo and chant and then cheer, firing their guns in the air. Ianto pulls Jack back as ricochets clatter all over the inside of the metal building.

Malik shouts something and all the terrorists go back to work at double time. They are loading warheads Two and Three onto trucks (one per truck) and the last, number Four, is being wheeled out on a cart to the outside.

"If we're on an island, why are they using trucks?" Jack asks Ianto who stops to ponder the question.

"They must have a barge" Ianto shrugs.

So there's no border, no customs. They can just drive anywhere they want? There's nothing to stop them" Jack realises with horror.

"Just us." Ianto returns with a serious frown.

"What are you going to do?" Jack swallows.

"Go down there and kill everybody, I guess."


	18. FIRE

Ianto hands Jack the MAC-10. He holds it clumsily. "Oh shit."

"Wait here. If you have to use this, use it. Don't choke. Okay?" Ianto looks deep into Jack's eyes then kisses him lovingly.

Jack nods gamely and Ianto starts down the steel stairs to the floor below.

Ianto reaches the floor. He slips behind some packing crates. Then swings into action- He hurls the grenade as hard as he can, down to the other end of the building. KABOOM! He uses the distraction to move forward. But it goes wrong almost right away... an alien comes around a corner behind him, he shouts and Ianto dives for cover as the guy fires, but- He trips on a pipe and goes sprawling- Losing the gun, which slides under some equipment and—Several aliens run toward him.

"SHOOT!" Ianto screams at Jack who fires a burst at the terrorists, actually hitting one! The recoil knocks him back, into a metal column, and the gun falls to the metal steps and hits- Going off. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! The burst kills two more aliens, as the still firing gun cartwheels and hits further down. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Another alien is splattered.

It spins and hits another step—KKKKKKKKKKKKK the final aliens fall as they stupidly get caught.

Jack has inadvertently saved his husband. Ianto looks up from behind cover to see all of them dead. Now it's his turn to be amazed. He signals to Jack to run. He makes it through the door to the outside stairs as beams start hitting the steel walls behind him.

An alien with a knife runs at the unarmed Ianto. Ianto snatches up a hammer and drives it into the guy's chest. Then he grabs an AK from one of the fallen aliens and opens fire. Malik shouts to the drivers of the trucks to get going. The other aliens return fire at Ianto who reaches a side door where he rakes one of the passing trucks with a burst. But aliens behind him in the building have a clear shot and rounds hit the wall next to him as he dives through the door landing outside. He takes cover behind an aircraft truck. Not a good place. He is pinned down by automatic weapons fire.

He looks around for Jack, who is mere yards away. He is unarmed and unable to help.

Ianto cranks up the pump on the refuelling truck and grabs the nozzle of the hose. He opens the flow and a stream of fuel blasts out of the nozzle and Ianto fires his AK right across the nozzle, igniting the av-gas and he now has a flame thrower with the reach of the stretch limo Gwen loves so much.

Ianto paints the whole area, setting vehicles afire, and scattering the aliens.

Through the flames and smoke he sees one of the men hand Malik a rocket launcher. Malik snaps it to his shoulder, preparing to fire.

Ianto runs toward the edge of the dock thirty feet away as Malik fires. The rocket shoots toward the truck and Ianto dives into the dark water as the truck explodes in a ball of flame.

Ianto dives down as deep as he can go. An instant later a sheet of fire sweeps across the surface above him. Ianto kicks hard, trying to swim beyond the inferno above him so he can surface.

Jack watches the burning wreckage of the gas truck with horror. "Oh my God. Ianto."

The muzzle of a gun taps the back of his head. He gasps and turns to see Gwen, holding the weapon expertly. "My condolences to the widower."

Gwen grabs him and yanks him to his feet. Jack slaps Gwen hard and Gwen has a slash across her cheek. Blood trickles down. She grabs Jack's hand and viciously turns it, seeing the wedding ring turned inward, the diamond on the palm-side. Her face darkens with fury and she points the gun at Jack's face, preparing to kill him and Malik's hand grabs her wrist, stopping her.

"Not now. We may need a hostage." Malik warns her and Gwen grabs Jack and twists him around, pushing him toward the limo nearby. "Let's go, Johnny Homemaker."

Ianto is still swimming. He reaches the edge of the fire and surfaces, gasping for breath. Treading water he scans the dock.

Amid the fire and smoke, he sees Gwen walking Jack at gun point toward a Limo.

Malik passes them as they head for the limo, jumping into the chopper with his few remaining men. The fourth bomb is clearly visible as the sliding door is closed. The chopper pulls pitch, fanning the flames of the inferno below as it arcs away.

The chauffeur opens the door and Gwen gets into the limo with Jack. The huge driver scrunches into the front seat and starts the car.

The barge slowly fills and they cross to the mainland. The limo is the last member of the convoy. The chopper passes overhead, hugging the deck, headed for London at 150 knots.

It looks like the aftermath of a battle... burning wreckage, black smoke, bodies. Not a living soul around. The smoke swirls as two big choppers land on the middle of the dock. Owen jumps out of the nearest with a PDA, scanning the wreckage. Several of his men, and a couple of FBI agents, spread out.

Owen breaks into a grin as he sees Ianto, materializing out of the swirling smoke. Dripping wet, clothes ripped and bloody. But okay.

"I thought this looked like your work." Owen crowed as Ianto came up to him.

"Let's go. I'll brief you in the air." Ianto keeps walking and Owen has to trot to keep up with his wide strides.

"You're welcome." Owen huffs watching Ianto climb into the nearest chopper.

Owen and Ianto are working out of brief-case mobile com-units. Several Torchwood agents with headsets are reading maps, giving commands, directing the evacuation, mobilizing their own forces. The energy is controlled but very high, everybody talking at once. This is the day they all have trained for. It is remarkable to watch.

"You tell the son of bitch this is a Bright Boy Alert. Repeat, a Bright Boy Alert. And I need a patch of the Palace lawn ASAP." Owen is barking down a phone, "That's right!"

"The Coast Guard has to clear them back to a twenty mile radius. Anybody that can't make the minimum safe distance we need an airlift on, immediately!" Ianto has his own orders to give and he hesitates as Owen whips around, lowering his phone.

"I can get 3 Marine Corps Harriers here in about 12 minutes. They're on manoeuvres with Wills." Owen shrugs with raised eyebrows and Ianto nods.

.

.

.

Traffic almost non-existent this early in the morning. The three rental trucks, followed by the limo about a mile back, are almost the only vehicles.

Gwen has a 9mm pistol aimed at Jack. She opens the sunroof, letting in the morning air and light. Then pours herself a Scotch from the bar.

"Like one?" Gwen asks, waving the bottle with a grin.

"Fuck you." Jack snarled from the opposite seat as he glared at his captor.

Ianto and Owen are both talking a mile a minute, coordinating the evacuation of the Severn Bridge and the surrounding area.

"... well get the Heddlu to go through the streets and tell everybody on their damn loudspeakers. Just the basics...get away from windows, don't look at it... yeah-

"Here they come." Ianto barks and Owen looks out the window in time to see three harrier jets pass them at 600 knots.

Roger, Windsor Three Five, you are cleared to engage. Be advised, your targets have Stingers and Laser machine guns." Ianto speaks into the headset and salutes the nearest harrier who dips its wing. _Go Harry._

"Copy that, Bright Boy command." A polite reply comes through the headphones and Owen gapes "Tally ho."

The Aliens see the Harriers approaching on a low attack run, and scramble to get out their Stingers.

The Harriers open fire with cannons and rocket pods on the trucks below them. The 20mm cannons rip the ocean on either side of the bridge into plumes of spray.

One of the Bomb trucks is hit. It explodes and flies off the bridge into the water. The Aliens on one of the other trucks fire a Stinger missile.

It flies out the back door and into the water as they scream at each other in the confined space, then the one holding it spins it around with a shrug and aims again.

It arrows up, blowing one wing off the lead Harrier. The pilot ejects as the plane cartwheels into the sea and explodes.

Ianto sees the battle far ahead and curses at the exploding jet. "Recommend you use your Mavericks to take out the bridge."

"They won't set off those bombs will they?"

"Negative, Windsor Three Five. That's a negative." Ianto said confidently then covered the mic and turned to Owen with a grimace, "Probably not."

The two remaining Harriers make an attack run, launching four Maverick missiles at the bridge.

The missiles hit the support trestles ahead of the trucks and a whole section collapses into the water.

The first truck is consumed in the blast. The last truck slides to the edge of the gap and stops.

Gwen is trying to see what's going on ahead. All they can see is smoke and explosions. The driver is speaking excitedly in Sontarian into a comm and getting no answer.

Jack uses this moment of distraction to lunge forward, grabbing the gun. Gwen fires excitedly as they struggle for control of the weapon. The sound is deafening in the tiny space. The second shot catches the driver behind the ear, and he slumps forward. His foot mashes down on the accelerator and the car surges forward.

The third Harrier fires its rockets and blows the remaining truck into tinfoil. Two bombs down. All done bar the tears.

The columns of smoke from the battle are still a couple miles ahead of the chopper.

"Good shooting, Windsor Three Five. I need you to stay on point." Ianto crowed, then he turned to the chopper pilot, "Okay. You see that limo?"

The limo swerves lazily back and forth across the lanes from one guardrail to the other, throwing off sparks where it hits. In is pounding along, like an out of control freight train.

Jack knocks Gwen's hands against the edge of the open sunroof and the pistol goes flying out. She's like a wildcat and Jack is struggling to get a grip on her.

"You fucking bitch!" Jack snarls with rage as he seizes Gwen's head and pounding it against anything hard he can find inside the car. _Ianto is gone, fucking bitch. My love is gone._ Suddenly he stops, looking out the front window. Gwen sees Jack's face change and turns too. The bridge is blown away about a quarter mile ahead.

"Shit!" Gwen screams as she climbs through the window into the front seat, tugging on the dead driver. The heavyset alien is like a bag of spuds.

Jack look up through the sunroof and sees the chopper, descending rapidly. His Ianto is climbing out onto the skids. He hooks on arm and leg over the skid and hangs down as low as he can. Jack stands up in the sunroof opening and waves his arms.

Owen is yelling at the pilot, who's not thrilled with this idea, "Get lower, fucker! Right now!"

Ianto strains downward with one hand. Jack reaches up toward him. The car screeches along the guard-rail, slamming against it, throwing Jack from side to side in the sunroof. Their fingers touch, then separate. Jack looks over his shoulder in the direction of the limo, it is almost to the missing part of the bridge, with wide eyes he reaches for his husband again.

Gwen is still desperately pulling on the dead driver. He slumps over on her, pinning her. She looks over the dash as the shattered edge of the bridge rushes toward them-


	19. BOOM

Ianto manages to snap his hand around Jack's wrist. He pulls him out of the car just as the limo clears the edge. He is jerked through the sunroof, shouting. The car falls away, arcing gracefully to the water below. It hits with an enormous explosion of water.

Ianto levers Jack up onto the skid with him, getting them both stable. Jack is gasping, holding on for dear life. He looks down at the burning wreckage on the bridge, the whole unbelievable scene.

Then he looks at Ianto and laughs. He's alive! And so is he. And not only that, this is the biggest rush of his life. Ianto grins back. Surprised and pleased that he has more of a soul-mate than he ever knew.

As they swing towards the bridge again, Jack lets out a roar, full of adrenalin and Ianto finally laughs, whooping his own release.

A harrier is landing in full-hover on the causeway. The shriek of the jet engine is enormous. It bounces down onto its wheels like a big monster. The other remaining Harrier is already down, behind it.

Ianto's chopper is also settling on the highway. Ianto jumps out of the open door, followed by Owen and Jack. Ianto looks at his watch.

"Any minute now." Ianto says softly to Owen who nods then bustles off, shouting the odds.

"It's show time. Don't look at the flash." Owen screeches with his arms waving around, "Do not look at the flash."

"We're safe here." Ianto says softly to Jack as they move away from the agents. They are safe and together. They look at each other, and there is nothing to say. Ianto removes Jack's wedding band from the wrong hand and slips it back onto its rightful finger. *

He leans forward to kiss Jack, who reaches for him. Their lips meet.

They are joined together in that position when the sky lights up behind them. Talk about fireworks. Ianto shields their eyes and they stay in the kiss.

They are in no danger, but the effect is stunning. The classic mushroom cloud appears at the horizon, but in glorious a rainbow. Jack watches, awed, the most glorious and terrifying sight of our age.

"That was some kiss." Jack murmurs as he steals another.

The two Harrier pilots stand nearby, watching the mushroom disperse. Owen is with the other Torchwood agents, his finger pressed in his ear, listening to his Bluetooth. He waves to Ianto to come to him. Ianto slowly slides from Jack's arms and walks over to him. Jack watches him go back to work. He glances over at the two Harrier pilots.

"That's my husband." Jack gushes, the taller one gesturing to the red headed pilot turns to grin at him, and he is suddenly lost for words.

"Malik's chopper landed twenty minutes ago in London. He's on the top of a high-rise downtown. SWAT's on the scene, and I got the cops sealing off the area. He met there with about a dozen more alien faction members. They're barricaded on the twentieth floor." Owen pauses and reaches for Ianto's arm, "Ianto, they have a hostage. It's Janet."

"My Janet?" Ianto gapes with horror.

"They must have grabbed her during the night" Owen grabs at Inato as he stumbles back, "we didn't know. Sorry, Ianto."

Ianto is already moving. He sprints toward the nearest Harrier, which is idling nearby. Owen runs after him.

"Ianto! We'll get her out! We have a man inside already ... Ianto! Aw, shit... here we go." Owen sighs as Ianto approaches a nearby pilot.

"I need to borrow this thing for a few minutes." Ianto demands and Harry holds up his hands with surprise.

"Force Comm cleared you to give us total cooperation, right?" Owen demands and Harry nods as William slowly walks over from his chopper.

"Let him go Harry, you know how Agent Harkness-Jones gets. Not like he's not flown before," William says and Harry groans.

Ianto is in the cockpit by now. Owen climbs up. "I'd like to remind you that it has been five years since you were actually in one of these."

"If I break it they can take it out of my pay." Ianto snorts as he bangs the canopy closed and brings the throttle up to FULL.

"It'll be fine. He's got hundreds of hours in Harriers. Joint-ops, cross-training and all that." Owen soothes Harry, "Ianto can fly anything."

The plane wobbles off the ground like a drunken bumble-bee.

"He's a little rusty. It's like riding a bike" Owen chuffs, then his face drops, "you never forget. I'd seek shelter!

It drifts sideways and everybody runs to get out of the way. At about six feet above the ground it slides sideways, clips the top of a Heddlu car and knocks off the light bar. It lifts unsteadily straight into the sky. It turns around 180.

"He's got it." Owen puffs his chest out again, hoping his dive to the ground can be forgotten.

Ianto thrusts the plane forward.

Owen is standing, watching Harry go.

_"Tell Jack what's going on. Tell him I love him. And ask Harry where the button for the 20mm cannon is… ah … never mind. I found it."_

An unfinished building in the high rise district has Malik's chopper sitting on the roof, its rotor turning slowly. The street below is jammed with cars. Honking horns echo from below.

The Aliens have barricaded themselves on the twentieth floor. There are about a dozen aliens with laser weapons. Occasionally one of them will fire a burst down a stairwell. SWAT team members are deployed in the stairwell but are keeping their distance.

Malik is isolated with the bomb. It sits on the floor, still in its shipping case. Janet stands nearby, looking scared. She is not restrained but knows she is trapped.

She watches Malik go to the warhead and insert his arming key. He has a TV set up on some crates, and we see that his videoed demands are running on CNN. Ianto's face fills the screen, verifying the weapons as a real threat. He is identified at the bottom of the screen as IANTO HARKNESS-JONES, ATOMIC ENERGY COMMISSION. Janet stares at her Tad's face on the national news. It's like a bad dream. She has been crying but she is fairly composed now.

I have to go pee," she finally states but the aliens ignore her. A terrified reporter and his camera crew, under guard by aliens, are hastily setting up to shoot Malik.

"Tape is rolling." The camera operator barks.

"This is a communique from Crimson Tarians. You have heard from your own expert. You have seen the holy fire with your own eyes. Do not force us to destroy this city. And do not try to use force against us. I can trigger this bomb instantly. All I have to do is turn that key." Malik points fiercely at the bomb, "... and five million of you humans will die.

The reporter glances down, nervously. "What key?"

"That key right there!" Malik looks down as he shouts. The key is gone.

"Someone has stolen the key!" He turns, looking around wildly. Malik then sees Janet running for the stairwell to the roof. He pulls a gun out and shoots at her, but hits the wall as she bangs through the door. He runs after her.

Malik bursts through the stairwell door. His men have followed him. Malik stops suddenly when he sees Janet standing at the edge of the roof. She is holding the key by its chain, as she holds it over the edge. He signals to his men not to fire.

"You shoot me, this'll fall." Janet sobs as she looks for a way out.

Malik advances slowly, and she backs away a step with each of his, moving along the edge of the roof. Malik keeps his pistol aimed at her chest.

"Don't come any closer. I'll drop it! I swear to God." She screams.

"If you drop it, I will have no reason not to kill you." He scoffs, calling her bluff. She backs away from him along the edge.

"Come on, hatchling. Give me the key." He coaxes, "Don't you want to live? I give you my word."

"No way you mental fuck-job" she snarls.

She reaches the corner of the building. Her back touches the boom of a small crane, used for lifting building supplies. Careful to keep the key dangling over open space, Janet climbs up on the boom and moves out beyond the edge of the building, never taking her eyes off Malik. She is hyperventilating, terrified, but definitely her Taddy's daughter in this moment!

Malik steps up on the crane, crawling out after her. He knows she will not drop the key as long as he has the gun. It is a game that will end when she reaches the end of the boom. Janet puts the key between her teeth so she can hang on better.

The Crimson Tarian warriors hear a thunderous, shrieking roar and look toward the window.

Like a mighty dragon, rising from the depths of hell … the Harrier fills the windows completely, hovering only a few feet outside. The aliens raise their weapons to fire just as Ianto hits the 20mm nose-cannon.

Glass explodes into diamond mist, and aliens explode into purple bloody spray as Ianto pivots the plane and the cannon sweeps the floor clear from side to side. The Crimson Tarians are vaporized.

Malik hears the rumble of the jet and the firing, but from where he is he can't see what's going on. He focuses on the key. He must have that key.

Malik's remaining men run to the helicopter, gesticulating to the pilot to get ready to take off. The pilot revs the turbine and the rotor whirls faster. The two men jump in, picking up laser machine guns.

Janet slips as she backs up, toppling off the boom. She is hanging now by her fingers over a 20 story drop. Malik is almost to her. He needs a hand free to grab her. He sets his gun down on the girder. He grabs for her wrist.

With an unbelievable roar the Harrier sweeps in beneath Janet, and Ianto has the canopy up. Malik sees Ianto, ten feet below. His eyes widen with shock then shift back to the girl, the key in her teeth. So close.

Ianto moves the cockpit directly under Janet, he leans forward and shouts, "Let go baby! I've got you! Taddy's got you!"

Malik lunges for her wrist. She screams and lets go.

Janet drops and hits the windshield of the hovering jet. Ianto grabs her with his left hand, right hand still on the stick, as he holds her until she can get a grip. She is lying across the nose of the plane.

Ianto starts to bank away and Malik shrieks in rage. He grabs his gun and leaps off the crane onto the back of the plane. Only the strap of his gun is holding him in place as he snarls and spits at Ianto. He starts crawling toward the cockpit.

Janet screams and Ianto looks back, but one of the aliens aboard the chopper opens fire.

Ianto banks hard, taking the hits under the wing. He pivots and slides sideways around the building, playing tag with the chopper.

He can't do anything violent enough to dislodge Malik without risking his own daughter.

The helicopter appears around the corner, guns blazing from the doors. Ianto pivots the plane and fires back. The chopper is riddled. It tilts and plummets, auto-rotating out of control.

As the chopper hits the ground and explodes. Fortunately the Heddlu had created a cleared perimeter.

The harrier dips and slews, half out of control. Malik is taking aim with the pistol, right at Ianto's head. Ianto tightens his grip on his daughter with his left hand, holding her with all his strength and he makes eye contact, sliding his eyes to the side. She nods and tightens her grip on the edge of the cockpit. Ianto pushes the stick hard, just as Malik opens fire, but the plane tilts wildly and Malik topples, screaming and he slides along the wing, and falls over the leading edge only to catch himself on the only available hand-hold … The last Sidewinder missile.

Ianto and Malik lock eyes for one long second. Then Ianto hits the Fire button. The Sidewinder drops away and ignites, carrying Malik out over the water. It explodes a mile out to sea.

Ianto seizes his daughter, dragging her into the cockpit, settling her on his lap.

"Don't touch the stick, baby." He says as he soothingly rubs her back.

She stares at her Tad in amazement. He banks away from the building, accelerating the jet. He grins at her. Raises one eyebrow. Wiggles the plane's wings.

"Hi, pumpkin."


	20. The End!

**ONE YEAR LATER**

Dinner time, and everybody's there. Jack is telling a funny story and everyone is laughing.

You should have seen your Taddy, standing there all covered with spaghetti sauce. He looked like such a dildo." Jack snorted.

"I told the guy" Ianto struggles to control his mirth, "I told the guy, this isn't even my order."

Janet is laughing too, a part of it. They are happy. They are family. She gets up, her meal half-eaten as usual.

"I'm done." Janet declares as she heads for the front door.

"I seem to remember something about a history project that's due tomorrow." Ianto intones and Janet sighs.

"Tad! You just think you know everything, don't you?" Janet grouses as she trudges off to her room to do her homework. The phone rings.

Jack answers.

"Boris and Doris?" comes a metallic voice.

"We're on," Jack calls out to his partner.

.

.

.

It is a black tie affair. Very glitzy. The inter-galactic guests are sipping champagne and dancing. It is an embassy crowd, very high brow. Ianto and Jack work their way through the crowd. They are both in tuxes, hair slicked back, looking rakish.

Ianto scoops two glasses of champagne off a passing tray and hands Jack one.

Owen, hunches in a dark ship that orbits someplace nearby. He speaks into his Bluetooth. "So, what's the scoop, team? You see your contact yet?"

Both men smile and nod as if they know people. Speaking very low, they answer Owen via SUB-VOCAL transceiver.

"Not yet. But we'll find him." Jack growls.

"Dance?" Ianto asks as the tango starts.

"What?" Owen squeaks as they tune out the comms, "You don't have bloody time to dance god damn it!"

He whirls Jack across the floor and the team in the neighbouring ship all groan as they dance.

The END

**Extra Scene**

Jack pulls Ianto into a holding bay, unable to keep his hands to himself.

"Cariad, we need to hide this until we can jump back to the team" Ianto whispers, listening for any approaching footfalls.

Jack snorts and pulls at Ianto's jacket. "I know where that will fit."

Ianto regards the long cylindrical alien tech in his hand and then looks at Jack blankly.

Jack grins and starts to gather his skirts, pulling up the ceremonial gown.

"Jack! Owen has to touch this" Ianto admonishes, already grinning as he reaches for Jack's curvaceous bum.

"In here, ahhhhh, god, something …." Jack pants,

"Anything! Put something in me!" Jack pulls at Ianto's matching gown and naked groins mash against each other.

Ianto groans and enters his bossy bottom, Jack's breathy cries egging him on.

As a scuffle of approaching feet causes a stutter in Ianto's hips, he is shocked when he feels the cold metal against his arse. Ianto gives a guttural cry as Jack forces the object deep into his husband, encouraging a renewed rhythm from his love.

The guards stand watching the two men coupling against the bulkhead and one turns to the other. "See? Told you they fit together with those!"


End file.
